Virginia Police Seek For ‘Serial Butt Slasher’ Responsible For Five Attacks

Is anyone else surprised that they couldn’t come up with a less terrifying yet hilarious term than “serial butt slasher?”

Yes? No? Me neither. But an article warning people local to Fairfax, Virginia to be on the lookout for the box cutter wielding bandit begins as such:

One man may be responsible for slashing at least five women on the butt, according to Fairfax County police.

Okay, right off the bat, it should be pointed out that one man slashing derrieres is far less terrifying than roving packs of butt slashers terrorizing the Fairfax area. But, if your bottom is one of the affected, the serial butt slasher is no laughing matter. Luckily, no one’s butt has been seriously affected by the perp, but the account of one attack is unsettling nonetheless:

In the most recent attack, an 18-year-old woman was shopping at Forever 21 inside the Fair Oaks Mall at 5:30 p.m. Monday when she was distracted by clothing falling over. She told police that she suddenly felt a sharp pain in her butt and thought she might have been struck by a clothes hanger before she realized she’d been cut through her denim shorts with a box cutter or razor.

Police confirm the attacks are not incredibly violent, although generally the fact that some random dude is roaming around slicing at people for some unclear and probably disgusting reason is very scary:

“Because it’s such an unusual thing, no one would ever expect something like that to occur,” said Lucy Caldwell, of Fairfax County police. “They may be walking along and put their hand to their backside and feel it.”

Two of the attacks have occurred at Fair Oaks Mall, two at the Greenbriar Shopping Center and one at Tyson’s Corner. The attacker is described as a heavyset Hispanic man who is about 5’6?, and police say he is unlikely to stop slashing butts until he is caught.

Police advise that anyone with information call their tipline, and if you drop your cellphone, let it go, man, ’cause it’s gone.