Kristen Stewart Goes Ginger And The World Goes Insane

Kristen Stewart’s peculiar decision to dye her hair a flamboyant shade of carrot has created a worldwide feeding frenzy in the media, but why has Kristen’s choice to look like a peculiar pasty pumpkin princess really garnered so many column inches?

However hard you try, in the plugged-in modern world you just can’t escape celebrities like Kristen Stewart. Every time you turn on the TV, there’ll be someone like Stewart either badly pretending to be someone else or modestly telling some sycophant how great they are. Every time you switch on the radio they’ll be someone like Stewart busily butchering an innocent song or pushing product. Every time you surf the internet there’s an army of Kristens waiting to wipe you out. And even when you’re enjoying a pleasant drive down the road, there’ll be some billboard or other with a big shiny, and instantly recognizable famous face on it, just like Kristen Stewart’s, ready to ruin your day.

In the kingdom of the blind the one-eyed man is king. In the land of the lost an orange-haired Kristen Stewart is queen. Kristen dyes her hair orange and it seems the whole world has to not only know, but finely appreciate and nod our heads sagely at Stewart’s bold, revolutionary, and perhaps even philanthropic statement. Why? Of what consequence is it if Kristen has gone all flame-haired on us, like a slightly insecure teenager who has just gotten into Guns N’ Roses and desperately wants to identify with Axl Rose.

Well it appears of damned definitive importance to the hapless hipsters at Hollywood Life. They wrote with no little gravitas: “Kristen Stewart has done it again. The orange definitely suits her rock star personality”. Strewth!

Hold on a minute I hear you snarl, “Orange! It sure as hell looks ginger to me!” Well at any other time Kristen’s distinctive hue would be described as such, but Kristen Stewart is Hollywood royalty don’t you know. Even though the carrot-topped vampire always looks like she could do with a damned good boil, for such a figure as Kristen Stewart to be associated with the dreaded ‘ginger’ word just wouldn’t do. It has far too many negative connotations and ‘orange’ sounds far more vibrant than the long-suffering and oft overweight ‘ginger’.

Apparently Kristen is sporting her new and distinctive tangerine locks for her role in new action comedy American Ultra which Stewart will start shooting later this month.

The film’s producer Anthony Bregman told The Hollywood Reporter: “Simply put American Ultra will be the most fun you can possibly have in a movie theater without the use of drugs, fireworks or canola air”.

So there you have it. It’s not true that blondes have more fun, gingers, I’m sorry, carrot tops, whoops, I mean oranges, like Kristen Stewart do.