Ascension Day Tomorrow… For Those Who Missed The Rapture

Or most notably, everybody.

Still bummed you didn’t get sucked bodily into heaven on May 21st, leaving behind all your friends, possibly sinful loved ones and that super-high APR credit card bill? Well, you know who did get sucked up bodily into heaven? Jesus.

June 2nd is the celebration of Easter’s less candy-filled and more solemn cousin, Ascension Day. According to Christian biblical teachings, Jesus ascended into heaven on the 40th day following his resurrection, leaving the rest of us suckers here to wait in traffic on the LIE, listen to one half of a cell phone conversation in line at the Wal-Mart and watch Jersey Shore for all eternity.

Of course, not everyone is clear about the events of Ascension Day, and opinions about the fate of Jesus’ corporeal form exist across sects of Christianity:

The canonical gospel account of Jesus ascending bodily into the clouds differs from the Aramaic Matthew which finishes with Jesus’ command to make disciples of all nations. A variance of this teaching is the gnostic tradition which has Jesus transcend the physical realm and return to his home in the spirit world, and Docetism saw physical matter as being intrinsically evil therefore they believed Jesus ascended as a pure spirit.

The Ascension Day feast is one of the most important days in the Christian calendar, traditionally marked by prayer, reflection, and if you’re Catholic, Bingo Night.