It wasn’t silent, but a man’s fart did nearly turn deadly.

Deborah Ann Burns, 37, allegedly took a knife to her lover of six years after he farted in her face during an argument.

Willie Butler, 53, was stabbed with an eight-inch blade as the couple watched TV in their apartment.

According to Burns she was fighting with her boyfriend over money when he stood up and farted in her face on his way to the kitchen.

Burns then claims that her boyfriend picked up a knife and threw it in her direction. Burns then allegedly picked up the knife and threw it back, hitting Butler in the stomach.

Adding insult to fart-based injury and a stab to the gut, Burns ran outside, picked up a stick, and proceeded to hit Butler in the left arm.

When police arrived at the apartment, they could not take a statement from Willie Butler because he was too drunk to talk.

For her part, Deborah Burns denies cutting Butler. Police arrested Burns on charges of aggravated battery with a deadly weapon.

Burns still remains in custody on a $50,000 bond.

It has been a very strange week for stupid criminal attacks and actions. As we reported earlier today, one group of criminals locked a homeowner in his own gun closet while another man was arrested while attempting to sneak into prison.

This is the first time we have reported on an attack that was instigated by a fart, and hopefully it will be the last time.

Boyfriend Farts In Girlfriends Face During Argument, Gets Stabbed is a post from: The Inquisitr

Portage, IN – A man was arrested Saturday in northern Indiana for driving over 100 mph. He told officers that he was desperately trying to make it to his own wedding. Though, in a formulaic summer romantic comedy, the cops would have been moved by the tale and offered a full police escort to his nuptials, in reality, they just arrested him and took him to jail.

The Times reports that Timothy N. Thompson, 23, of Valparaiso, was supposed to be married Saturday at 7 pm. Instead, Thompson was arrested for resisting law enforcement, criminal recklessness, and reckless driving. He was also cited for speeding and improper passing. Authorities said that Thompson drove erratically, switching lanes abruptly and nearly getting into a car wreck.

Police followed Thompson as he turned into the parking lot of Nativity of Our Savior Church on Willowcreek Road where he spun his Jeep Grand Cherokee into a “doughnut” and nearly tipped over. Three people, later identified as relatives, flailed their arms and yelled at him. He spun out in the parking lot, creating a thick blanket of smoke, reports the IndyStar.

Police stopped Thompson, who admitted to driving “about 90,” but added that he had his emergency lights on and used his horn to alert other drivers.

An officer walked away from the Jeep, which caused Thompson to jump back in and drive toward the church. Police stopped him yet again, and Thompson’s second excuse was somehow impossibly worse than the first.

“Oh, I thought you were done and I’m late for a party in Chicago,” he reportedly said. ”It now means I have to drive really fast to get there.”

The story gets even better, if you can believe it. Thompson was actually released from jail that same day. This makes him the only individual I’ve ever reported on who managed to wind up back in jail mere hours after getting out and all because he was trying to get to the church on time. A note to Thompson’s fiancee: This just might be a sign from God.

Get Me To The Church: Groom Arrested For Speeding To His Own Wedding is a post from: The Inquisitr

Salisbury, MD – Ready for your strange crime news story for the day? This one doesn’t involve bath salts, I’m afraid. A Maryland man is accused of breaking into a home and doing all manner of strange things, giving law enforcement only two options: throw the guy into a cold shower or just plain arrest him.

Russell Neff, a 22-year-old man from Salisbury, broke into a residence that clearly didn’t belong to him, but that didn’t stop him from making himself right at home in the strangest of ways. He reportedly stripped down to his underwear and began to cook a chicken pot pie that belonged to the house’s owner. The homeowner was a bit squirrely anyway, running upstairs after Neff started beating on his front door around 10 pm, reports WBAL-TV.

Neff eventually made it inside, and the homeowner called 911. Authorities found Neff sitting in his underwear, watching TV, and licking the homeowners remote as a chicken pot pie cooked in the kitchen. We kid you not. It’s all here.

Now we have no idea if law enforcement authorities immediately burst into laughter at the scene or if they just rubbed their chins in confusion, but the report shows that they thought licking the remote was a particularly curious thing to do.

“We found the individual in question quite comfortable in the homeowner’s leather recliner, only in his underwear, licking on the remote control and waiting for a chicken pot pie he had found in the freezer to be done out of the microwave,” Lt. Tim Robinson of the Wicomico County Sheriff’s Office told WBOC-TV.

It is unknown at this time whether or not Neff can be charged with sexual assault of a remote control, but he was charged with malicious destruction of property, burglary, and theft of a chicken pot pie. His bail is set at $250,000, but let’s be honest, it’s the homeowner that’s paying the real price here.

Strange Thief Breaks In, Cooks, Reclines, Licks Remote Control is a post from: The Inquisitr

A new crime wave is sweeping the nation, as vandals and thieves scramble to steal the objects of greatest value and interest. The latest targets of petty thievery? David Hasselhoff cardboard cut-outs.

Yes, you read that right.

About 550 giant photo cardboard cut-outs of David Hasselhoff flashing “a dreamy smile” and sporting “a lean tank top-clad torso” have been stolen from outside Cumberland Farms convenience stores in recent weeks, allegedly by Hoff fans who “apparently can’t leave [the cut-outs] alone,” according to the AP. According to Cumberland brand strategy specialist Kate Ngo, out of the some-600 original cardboard cut-outs of the Hoff, only about 20 remain for the roughly 570 stores in New England and Florida. Even the Hoff himself is aware of the interest in his ads, reports News 7.

“The first thing I thought of was that I was in trouble and then I thought, ‘Oh good they’re not accusing me of stealing, they’re accusing people of stealing me,’” Hasselhoff said, admitting, “I thought it was pretty funny,” that people were stealing him.

Cumberland is reportedly using cardboard cut-outs of Hasselhoff to advertise a brand of iced coffee, reports Newser. The marketing campaign is paying off, just not the way they thought it would. On second thought, Hasselhoff cut-out thieves may awake to that flashy cardboard smile and find themselves craving iced coffee, so perhaps there is some method to the madness.

Surprisingly, Cumberland isn’t really all that upset by the interest (and dramatic loss) of precious marketing materials. Ngo says that the company is flattered by the attention its ads featuring “the Hoff” are getting. All she asks is that if you stole a Hasselhoff cut-out, do take care of it. Hoff himself agreed, but hopes the ads still encourage people to buy coffee.

“I just hope nobody gets in trouble but I encourage everybody to go out and see what they can do about stealing a Hoff but please have a cup of coffee while doing it,” Hasselhoff said.

Sixty-year-old Hasselhoff is best known in the U.S. for the TV shows Knight Rider and Baywatch. In Europe, particularly Germany, they love him for something I’m still not entirely clear on. All over, he has found new fame in that rarefied atmosphere long-occupied by the likes of Chuck Norris – That place where your stalled career finds its way out of the crapper, and into self-caricature. Long as you can keep your sense of humor, there’s money in it.

Would you steal a Hasselhoff cardboard cut-out? You would. I know you would.

Recent Crime Wave Hits Hasselhoff Cut-Outs Worst is a post from: The Inquisitr

Akron, Ohio – A local woman has adopted a creative strategy in order to get herself some much-desired plastic surgery. The cost of two new cans is simply too much for the woman, so she has taken to panhandling in a bikini in order to come up with the funds.

Chrissy Lance, a 37-year-old single mom, needs $5,000 for a new pair of breasts, so she’s taken to the streets in a pink bikini, camped out at a busy intersection in Akron, Ohio, with a humorous sign that reads, “Not homeless. Need boobs,” with little winky-faces on either side. The perky and amicable brunette told local reporters that she got the idea from – where else – other beggars, reports NY Daily. The only difference is that she made sure to go through the proper channels and get a panhandler’s license before setting up shop.

“I see people panhandling every day, so why not panhandle for boobs,” said Lance, who lives in Rittman, Ohio. “It’s original. I’ve never seen anybody do it.”

(yeah, we’ll give you that)

In addition to being a single mom, Lance is also a college student and a bar waitress at a local pub. She says that the money she makes is enough to pay the bills and live comfortably, but there’s little left over for plastic surgery, reports local affiliate Fox8. She feels that breast implants will greatly improve her self-esteem, but hasn’t collected much so far aside from some googly-eyes and around $90.

Nevertheless, she is determined to maintain her post until she reaches her goal.

“Everyone that knows me, knows that I am a wild one,” she said.

Here are some pictures of Chrissy Lance, the bikini panhandler. How long do you think it’ll take her to get her $5,000 for breast implants at the rate she’s going? Sound off below!

Bikini-Clad Panhandler Needs Your Money For Breast Implants [Pics] is a post from: The Inquisitr

Octomom Nadya Suleman entered the porn industry recently much to the chagrin of her eventual peers, who have come out to unanimously denounce her as a bad mother.

Suleman’s recent decision to appear in a solo sex film (the riveting and critically acclaimed Octomom: Home Alone) has pretty much drawn universal criticism already. A lot of people are labeling Suleman a “bad mother” once again, citing her pornographic career as merely the latest entry on what is already a long, long, long list of checks against her. Even the porn stars stand in unison, shaking their heads in disbelief at what a poor example Suleman is.

Porn gal Amber Peach says that she thought Octomom was a bad mom even before her pornographic ambitions. “This is a woman who had children she knew she couldn’t take care of, not by accidentally getting pregnant. But on purpose, and people’s issue is that she did a porn,” Peach told The Huffington Post. “There are many porn people who are also great parents. People are acting like her doing porn is what makes her a bad parent, saying things like, ‘What are your kids going to think of you when they get older and find out?’”

Continuing incredulously, Peach said, “My question is, ‘What are those kids going to think of her when they get old enough to realize she had them with no way to take care of them either because she hoped to get a reality show or because she’s…crazy, or both?’”

In case you were comatose during 2009, Suleman has 14 kids – 8 of them came courtesy of in vitro fertilization back in ’09.

So she’s a bad mom, but is she good at porn? Not at all, according to Peach. “The whole video from a porn standpoint just looks awkward and uncomfortable,” Peach said. “And don’t get me started on the part where she’s lying naked in a pile of baby clothes, that’s just disturbing.”

Suleman chose to do porn because she was hard-up for cash. According to another porn star, that ain’t a reason to get into the business. “It was only after she filed for bankruptcy that she said yes (to studio requests). What changed her mind? It had to be the money. Money should never be the main factor for getting into this business,” said porn star Paige Little. “Once you start (in porn), you will live with that stigma for the rest of your life. Eventually the job offers and money will not be there. You will be left with needing to justify to yourself why you chose that path and be able to live with it. The porn industry is littered with the shattered lives of those who could not.”

Aurora Snow, another well-known porn star, had slightly kinder advice for aspiring porn actresses not unlike Suleman. “You only get one body,” she warned. “Don’t destroy it for a short term profit. Make the most of your porn career and have fun with it. But remember everything you do will be out there in the world forever, so make choices you are happy with short and long term.”

Seems moot, but I have to ask. Do you think that the Octomom is a bad mom?

Pornstar Peers Say Octomom Is A Bad Mom (And Bad At Porn Too) is a post from: The Inquisitr

Ever been stuck in traffic and wished you were driving a military tank so you could cut through the rush with extreme prejudice? Well now you kind-of sort-of can, so long as you make a pilgrimage to Kasota, Minnesota where a small business is offering customers a car-crunching wet-dream, for a price.

A business named Drive-A-Tank offers customers a chance to pilot military surplus tanks and other armored vehicles through a limestone quarry, smashing, crunching, and flattening junk cars along the way. The Huffington Post notes, “the ride is loud, grinding, hot and dirty – ideal for satisfying one’s inner Rambo.”

Drive-A-Tank’s website describes the adventure thusly: “A tank driving adventure makes the perfect gift for that person in your life that has everything,” and suggests the spectacle for corporate events, bachelor parties, even Father’s Day.

Customers are raving. “To have that much weight on just two brake handles, it’s awesome,” said one customer after the tank rolled over a car and rained glass around his head. The car “was like a tin can,” reports Fox. It was “easier than I expected,” and “an awesome Christmas present,” said an insurance man from Richmond, Virginia, who brought his wife along as co-pilot.

Your basic package will run you about $399. That includes driving the tank and shooting the machine gun. You can customize your experience for extra cash; for instance, try driving a couple models, shoot other weapons, etc. Smashing a car costs an additional $549, and if you want to pay $3500, you can drive the tank through a trailer house.

I think I’ll make the trip next paycheck. Anyone who wants to party in a tank with the Dust-Buster, leave a comment below!

“Drive-A-Tank” Allows You To Drive Military Tanks, Crush Cars is a post from: The Inquisitr

A boy stole a car for a joyride in Sweden. Not much for news, except that the gun he was toting was a toy.

A 9-year-old boy armed with a toy gun pointed his “weapon” at witnesses, shouting, “it’s loaded” before breaking into and stealing a parked car in Kortedala, Sweden, according to the Huffington Post. The gun is believed to be an airsoft gun, which shoots BB’s, and for all intents and purposes (orange tip notwithstanding) it looks like a real gun, and coupled with the boy’s actions, shocked witnesses.

“It’s unbelievable,” said Jan Jentzell who works for Poseidon, the property management firm that owns the car. “I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s also so tragic…he’s so young.”

Unfortunately, the 9-year-old boy didn’t pick his car very judiciously. He snatched up an electric car which tops out at about 18-miles-per-hour. Not exactly the 1970 Dodge Challenger getaway car of cult-films Vanishing Point and Death Proof fame.

Concerned motorists engaged in a medium-to-low speed chase after the boy, reports thelocal.se. “From what I understand, they had a good overview of things and honked their horn so that other cars stopped when he came,” said Jentzell. A bystander grabbed the boy and restrained him until Swedish authorities arrived to round him up. He won’t be facing any charges, simply because he’s too young.

ABC reported a similar case a few days ago, in which an 11-year-old Albuquerque, New Mexico boy stole a car and went on a joyride, which was caught on tape. Unlike his Swedish counterpart, the New Mexico boy and his friends will face juvenile charges.

9-Year-Old Swedish Boy Steals Car With Toy Gun, Goes For Joyride is a post from: The Inquisitr

More weird stuff in Florida, I swear. This time, a man, allegedly hopped up on cocaine, ran around Tuesday shooting at imaginary Croatians.

The Orlando Sentinel reported that 61-year-old Peter Bauer of Palm Coast, Florida, was arrested when he was found between two cars holding a .38-caliber pistol. Bauer was taking a nice breather following an eventful morning running around shooting wildly behind him at his imaginary Croatian persecutors.

Bauer confessed to snorting cocaine on Monday night before the Croatian fiends broke into his home, reports Flagler Live. He fled to his neighbor’s house and banged on the sliding doors wildly, giving them quite the scare. “Help me, help me,” a shirtless Bauer repeatedly screamed before retreating to his automobile hideout.

“The residents positively identified Bauer as the man who spent several minutes at their back door before running away,” deputies said in a report obtained by the paper, notes The Huffington Post.

Bauer fired four shots at nothing while running from his Eastern European pursuers, and even suffered a cut at their “hands.” Thankfully, Bauer didn’t hurt anyone, and a later police search of his home turned up a bullet hole in the wall, several picture frames smashed around the house, and “a pile of white powder with a straw lying beside it” in the bathroom.

Of all the things he could have been booked on, he was charged with attempted burglary. wtf?!

Rick James said it best:

Coked-Out Florida Man Shoots At Imaginary Croatian Persecutors is a post from: The Inquisitr

Bath salts have been a hot topic of discussion this summer, ever since a gruesome and horrifying attack on the side of a Miami causeway attributed to the drug left one man dead and one gravely injured, missing more than 70% of his face.

Bath salts were immediately cited by police as the cause when Rudy Eugene attacked homeless man Ronald Poppo, and the fact that he was shot once by police without stopping before he continued to chew upon the other man’s face led many to speculate that a substance like bath salts drove Eugene’s bizarre behavior on the night he was killed.

(Also, many jokes about a zombie apocalypse followed.)

In recent weeks, bath salts keep popping up in the news as a factor in similar, yet less serious, attacks. Reports of all kinds of flesh-eating behavior have abounded, and the public is well and truly frightened of this new, synthetic drug that has yet to be banned.

But, we learned today, the man responsible for the face-eating attack in Miami was not on bath salts. Which is kind of interesting, as this whole story was dripping with the hallmarks of a moral panic from the outset.

CBS quotes Miami-Dade Medical Examiner Dr. Bruce Hyma, as well as autopsy reports on Eugene:

“Hyma’s office specifically ruled out Bath Salts, a class of synthetic drugs that have been known to cause bizarre behavior and overheating of people who use them, two things that made some believe Eugene’s cannibalistic behavior was to blame on the drugs.

“’The department has also sought the assistance of an outside forensic toxicology reference laboratory, which has confirmed the absence of “bath salts,” synthetic marijuana and LSD,’ the report said.”

Why police initially suspected bath salts in Eugene’s bizarre face-eating rampage remains to be seen.

Bath Salts NOT a Factor in Miami Face Eating Incident is a post from: The Inquisitr

A man threatened his neighbor with a gun for a “flatulence attack” in front of his home Monday, according to authorities.

A 72-year-old New Jersey man has been charged for threatening to shoot his neighbor in front of his own home, reports NY Daily. The suspect said that his neighbor passed gas so loudly in the vestibule of their building that he heard it inside his apartment – then he smelled it. Instead of letting the whole thing pass, Daniel Collins of Teaneck produced a .32-caliber revolver and threatened his gassy neighbor, telling him that he would “put a hole” in his head.

Collins had apparently been long-involved in a noise dispute with the 47-year-old neighbor who tooted in the lobby of the building, according to Det. Lt. Andrew McGurr. The neighbor told police that Collins confronted him in the vestibule of the building located at 694 Cedar Lane at around 9:25 p.m., according to NJ.com. Collins admitted to authorities that he had confronted the neighbor after the farting incident, but denied threatening him with a gun. A later search of Collins’ car produced the .32-caliber in question.

Collins was arrested and charged with aggravated assault, possession of a weapon for an unlawful purpose, unlawful possession of a firearm, and making terroristic threats. After being processed, he was released, according to authorities.

Let it now be known that the new law regarding flatulence possession is “he who smelt it might bust a cap in he who dealt it.” Be careful and be courteous ‘lest you be shot.

Man Pulls Gun On Neighbor For Farting is a post from: The Inquisitr

Gone are they days when you could discreetly slip off your wedding band to get away with anything from a little bar flirtation to a full-blown affair. Now there’s the “anti-cheating ring,” a device reminding you (and others) of your marital status, even if you slip it off, reports The Sun.

Though slipping off a worn wedding ring might reveal a thin white line or wrinkle, the “anti-cheating ring” actually imprints the words “I’m married” on your finger. The blogosphere and Twittersphere alike are going nuts about this thing right now, sounding off on all sides about the ring that promises to keep spouses faithful to each other.

The “I’m married” declaration is carved inside the band, leaving an incredibly pronounced and legible indent on the finger, notes NY Daily.

Interested? One of these titanium rings can be yours for just $550, and can be found at TheCheeky.com. The description of the product reads, “With Arnold, Tiger and two timing IMF guy in mind, we have created this wedding ring for people intent on cheating. The negative engraving on the inside means that when you are in the ‘Club’ and an attractive woman…or man comes along to chat, slipping your wedding ring off is not an option. The mark left on your skin says…’I’m Married’.”

Before this article sounds any more like a commercial, here’s a round-up of humorous social network reactions to the product. Most reactions were negative, proving simultaneously that many still respect the institution of marriage and that by-and-large, the Internet is incapable of understanding satire. “Who would ever buy this? Least romantic wedding ring ever,” wrote one user. “I’m just saying that if either of you are considering these, then you should probably reconsider marriage, period.”

“Interesting concept, but if he/she is gonna cheat, they’re gonna cheat,” tweeted one user pondering the practical use of the product (read above: satire).

“Well, stops him from cheating with women who can read.” My favorite.

What do you think of the anti-cheating ring?

Anti-Cheating Ring Leaves “I’m Married” Imprint On Finger is a post from: The Inquisitr

Mankind’s fascination with creating robots capable of outperforming their masters is one I’ve never fully understood. You’ve got the chess-playing-robot, the Jeopardy-playing-robot, and now, courtesy of the University of Tokyo, there’s a robot that will beat your ass at rock, paper, scissors. Every. Single. Time.

Scientists didn’t just want a robot proficient in the ancient art of roshambo, they wanted one that would win mankind’s most basic friendly contest every single time. The amazing thing about the robot is that it does in fact win every single time, but it’s not due to some mathematical algorithm, statistical probabilities and averages, or other boring science stuff most of us slept through in AP classes. The secret? It cheats.

Sort of.

The robot uses advanced motion sensing technology in order to basically watch its opponent’s hand, notes Telegraph UK. So long as the opponent is human, the robot more or less reads your muscle movements and knows what you’ll go for: rock, paper, or scissors. The robot’s analysis is so quick, it’s imperceptible to the human eye. This means that the robot isn’t simply guessing. It’s literally seeing what you’re doing as you do it, and then beats you to the winning gesture.

Why a rock, paper, scissors robot? CNET notes that roshambo is used to make decisions for just about everything over in Japan, much like flipping a coin here in the U.S.

“This technology is one example that show a possibility of cooperation control within a few milliseconds,” said a spokesperson of the Ishikawa Oku lab that made the robot. “This technology can be applied to cooperative work between human beings and robots, without time delay.”

Here’s the crazy video. Let us know what you think of the roshambobot in the comments!

Apocalypse nigh. I always knew it would be robots.

ROSHAMBOBOT: Japan Creates Rock, Paper, Scissors Robot That Cannot Be Beaten [Video] is a post from: The Inquisitr

An Australian man nearly wrote himself right into the Darwin Awards when he started playing with his lighter (which produces fire) while he was filling his car up at the pump (which produces flammable liquid).

The unidentified man can be seen on CCTV playing with his cigarette lighter while casually pumping gas at an ACPO station in Thomastown, Australia at approximately 3:00 p.m. on Sunday, according to NY Daily. Watch the video. This guy can’t be bothered. Of course, the gas he’s pumping into his car bursts into flames, and he starts to panic, so I suppose he is at least bothered by the potential for immolation. He leaps over the hood of his car and books it just as fire begins to engulf his car.

Wait, there’s more!

A quick-thinking Cory Booker-esque hero ran up to the flames with a bucket of water and put out the fire as the attendant shut down the pump, reports the Huffington Post. The hero has since been identified as Dr. Hussei Zaini. Also, Superman.

What’s a hero got to say for himself? “There could have been serious damage, so I decided to do something straight away, rather than waiting for the fire brigade,” said Zaini. Members of the “fire brigade” (isn’t culture fun?) applauded Zaini for his heroic deed, though said things could have been a lot worse. “He’s very lucky the Gods were on his side, because it was a splash. Any more than that and it could have gone against him,” said Melbourne Fire Brigade Deputy Chief Robert Taylor. “He has recognized the danger of the situation … his bravery is to be commended.”

Of course, leave it to YouTube commentators to point out the ironies in the video. You can clearly see lighter-boy jump over a fire extinguisher and the pump’s emergency off-button on his way out, reports Gawker.

Here’s video. Go nuts!

Man Pumping Gas Plays With His Lighter: You Know The Rest [Video] is a post from: The Inquisitr

The bath salts media brouhaha seems to have reached a fever pitch, with horror stories of users of synthetic drugs violently tearing into, attacking and eating other living things an ostensible daily occurrence.

The bath salts panic really kicked into full swing with the Miami face eating incident, but since then, it seems bath salts and similar substances are in the news daily due to what appears to be a sharp upswing in synthetic drug-related attacks — though whether use of the drugs is more prolific or it’s just a media interest in the stories remains to be seen.

After Rudy Eugene proceeded eating a man’s face in Florida until police were forced to shoot him dead, several similar incidents seemed to pop up. There was the woman upstate in New York who tried to bite a police officer’s face. The guy in Florida who tore off a chunk of someone’s arm.

And another face eating attack in Louisiana, as well as the guy that ate his roommate. It seems wherever bath salts go, zombie-like, flesh chewing behavior follows.

But bath salts aren’t the only unregulated and unpredictable drug legally for sale in the US, and now there is a report out of Texas that a man using a bath salts-like form of synthetic marijuana known as K2 killed the family dog with his bare hands and started to eat it.

Waco Police Sargent W. Swanton explains that during a “bad trip,” 22-year-old Michael Terron Daniel attacked several family members before turning to the family dog, who did not survive the attack:

“The man then took a medium-sized black dog onto the front porch of the home where he beat and strangled the animal and then ‘began to bite into the dog, ripping pieces of flesh away,’ Swanton said.

“The dog died at the scene.”

Daniel was arrested and charged with cruelty to a non-livestock animal.

Man on Bath Salts-Like Drug Kills and Eats Family Dog is a post from: The Inquisitr

Madonna is so in-demand that people are desperate get their hands on the singer’s very DNA. At least that’s what she thinks (read: fears) so she’s started traveling around with a sterilization team to clean up Madonna-flakes after performances on her newest world tour.

Paranoid Madonna, 53, has a scrub-team to make sure she leaves no trace of herself behind after she leaves shows. These guys are kind of like CSI guys: “cleaners” that go through Madonna’s room looking for skin flakes, stray hairs, random errant drops of saliva, dried sweat, whatever you can imagine. Additionally, only Madonna herself and her entourage are allowed to be backstage before and during performances, reports Mirror.

Madonna’s MDNA tour arrives in Coimbra City, Portugal, tomorrow. Concert promoter Álvaro Ramos is babysitting the Portuguese stint, and is also notable here for being that guy that says what everyone is thinking, albeit with more moderation than your average Internet commenter. “We have to take extreme care, like I have never seen for any other artist,” he said. “We cannot even look at the dressing room, after it is ready, or even open the door. We can only enter after her sterilisation team has left the room. There will not be any of Madonna’s DNA, any hair, or anything,” adding that her team, “will clean up ­everything. In the end it is all to protect her and make her feel comfortable.”

“I do understand it, but it is taken to extremes,” Ramos concluded.

Ramos also noted that a team comes in with Madonna to construct a dressing room for her from scratch, reports PopCrush. “Her team will build everything for her, including fake ceilings and fake walls, so they can ensure that no one has hidden a camera somewhere,” said Ramos. Apparently this measure guards against hidden cameras, and is also the only pragmatic and reasonable idea presented in this article thus far.

But it all begs the question, and for this, I need your help. What is Madonna afraid of? Are these extreme security measures justified, or is she being a little too paranoid?

Here’s Madonna’s “Girl Gone Wild” video while you think it over!

Madonna ‘Sterilization Team’ Makes Sure You Don’t Get Your Hands On Her DNA is a post from: The Inquisitr

Every inmate on death row is entitled to their last meal. I’m not sure when this tradition started or why, but it seems to make sense. A Mississippi grocery store butcher took this tradition to the extreme, asking for a final meal of a whopping 29,000 calories which probably would have killed him by itself if the state hadn’t gotten to him first.

The crime: Gary Carl Simmons Jr. was executed Wednesday for the murder of of a man and the subsequent rape of his girlfriend. Simmons, 49, carved up 21-year-old Jeffery Wolfe with his butcher knives, dismembering the young man in a bathtub and scattering the remains in a bayou by his home back in 1996. Afterwards, he hog-tied Wolfe’s girlfriend and raped her. The events leading to the crime began when Wolfe and girlfriend arrived at Simmons’ home to collect a drug debt. After Wolfe’s death, Simmons proceeded to rape the young girl, telling her that “her life depended on how well she performed sexually,” according to Reuters.

What’s on the menu: Before his Wednesday evening execution, Simmons requested a 29,000 calorie meal, later announced by the Mississippi Department of Corrections, reports Chron. The meal comprised of one Pizza Hut medium Super Supreme Deep Dish pizza, 10 packs of Parmesan cheese, 10 packs of ranch dressing, a family-size bag of nacho cheese Doritos, 8 ounces of jalapeno nacho cheese, 4 ounces of sliced jalapeno peppers, 2 large strawberry milkshakes, two cherry Cokes, one super-sized order of McDonald’s fries with extra ketchup and mayo and two pints of strawberry ice cream. On the pizza, he requested twice the normal amount of tomato sauce, mushrooms, onions, jalapeno peppers and pepperoni, and a regular helping of 3 cheeses, olives, bell peppers, tomato, garlic, and Italian sausage, reports NY Daily.

Good. Lord.

We don’t know how much of the meal he was able to finish, but he was at least halfway through an hour before his execution. The entire meal was a stomach-churning 29,000 calories and 2000 grams of fat. That’s what an average man puts away in a two-week time span, notes MSN.

Wolfe’s father was at the execution, telling reporters that Simmons is a “piece of trash” who will “burn in hell.” “When you take your last breath, I’ll be going to have a cold beer,” he said.

Eerily, Simmons’ last words didn’t exactly fit the brutality of his crimes. “I’ve been blessed to be loved by some good people, by some amazing people,” Simmons said. “I thank them for their support. Now, let’s get it on so these people can go home. That’s it.”

What do you think? Are there really any words?

Death Row Inmate Requests And Consumes 29,000 Calorie Last Meal is a post from: The Inquisitr

The California mom who re-connected with her estranged son, only to begin an incestuous relationship with him, has been officially sentenced. The stinger is that the woman doesn’t consider her illicit relationship with her son incest. She says it’s “genetic attraction.”

Rewind. In case you forgot the story, Inquisitr reported in May that Mistie Atkinson, 32, tracked down her estranged 16-year-old son on Facebook last year. The two were found in a hotel room on March 2nd engaged in incestuous activity. Police found nude photographs of the mother on the boy’s cell phone, including photos of her performing oral sex on him. Other text messages between the two indicated that they had planned to run away together. Atkinson was booked into the Napa County Jail and charged with incest, oral copulation of a minor, contact with a minor for sexual offense, and sending harmful matter to a minor.

For her troubles? Four years and eight months in prison, as handed down Wednesday in Napa County Superior Court.

Atkinson pleaded no contest to the charges leveled against her, and seemed to only take issue with one small detail – she doesn’t consider her sexual relationship with her son incest. “I don’t feel like I should have the charge of incest because there is something called genetic attraction that is a very powerful (phenomenon) that happens to 50 (percent) of people becoming reunited with a long-lost relative,” she wrote.

You know how they say that most statistical references are made up on the spot? There’s actually some truth to the one that Atkinson uses to defend herself. ABC’s Good Morning America ran a segment about genetic sexual attraction last month. This could be what Atkinson is referring to in her note. Although there isn’t any real scientific research into the subject, some psychologists say that biological family members who have been separated for a long period of time risk becoming sexually attracted to one another when they reunite, reports NY Daily.

Scientific backing or not, still gross.

Mother Charged With Incest With 16 Year Old Son Gets Under 4 Years, Claims “Genetic Attraction” is a post from: The Inquisitr

A Palmetto, Florida man stormed (naked, by the way) into his his girlfriend’s house and bit a chunk of flesh out of a man’s arm, the latest in a string of strange, violent attacks. Dare I say, zombie attacks.

The so-called “Summer of Zombies” continues with the story of Charles Baker, a 26-year-old west Florida man who visited his girlfriend’s home on Wednesday night. He was supposed to be visiting his kids, but he was completely blown out of his mind on drugs and decided it would be a good idea to strip naked and bite a chunk of flesh out of a visiting man’s bicep. According to the Bradenton Herald, this all took place at about 10:15 p.m.

According to the authorities, Baker burst into his girlfriend’s apartment after she opened the door slightly and started screaming, swearing, a babbling. Jeffery Blake, 48, attempted to restrain him, but got a big chunk of man taken out of his arm. Despite being munched on pretty badly, Blake wrestled Baker to the ground and restrained him until police arrived.

When the police did arrive, Blake released Baker, who stood up but was unresponsive to the orders of the deputies. The naked Baker faces authorities, clenched his fists, tensed up, screamed, and looked as though he was going to rush the authorities, says the Daily Mail. At this point, the deputies tasered him. Twice. Then they arrested him.

The authorities said that Baker was under the influence of an unknown drug.

Slow down, though. The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta recently went out of its way to announce that there is no zombie apocalypse. Yeah, the announcement was a bit tongue in cheek, but with all of the strange attacks going on lately, someone had to say something.

Still, one wonders…

Yet. Another. Zombie Attack. Naked Floridian Bites Chunk Out Of Man’s Arm is a post from: The Inquisitr

Two parents allegedly planted drugs on an elementary school volunteer in a frame-job, simply because they were unhappy with her, according to authorities.

The California couple has been accused of planting drugs on a part-time volunteer/teacher at their son’s elementary school because they weren’t happy with the supervision their son was getting from her. Jill and Kent Easter (who are both attorneys, interestingly enough) were arrested Tuesday for their sinister scheme to frame volunteer woman at the Plaza Vista School in Irvine, California according to KABC-TV.

The Easters are charged with conspiracy to procure the false arrest of the elementary-school parent volunteer, false imprisonment and conspiracy to falsely report a crime. If they’re convicted, they’ll get three years for their trouble.

According to Daily News, Kent put a bag of prescription pain killers, marijuana, and a marijuana pipe in the volunteer woman’s car, then called the police crafting a story about the woman hiding drugs in her car. “They tried to make me look like the worst person you could be when you’re involved with a school,” the volunteer told KTLA. “I wouldn’t have seen my daughter again, I think. Those are the nightmares that I had.” Police detained her for a few hours until they were able to determine that she was in a classroom at the time Kent said he saw her hiding drugs in her car.

“She [the volunteer] was shocked,” Irvine Police Lt. Julia Engen said. “She had no idea where those items came from. Things just didn’t seem to add up.”

The Easters’ babysitter is also shocked that her employers would do something so rash and crazy. “They’re always so positive and happy, and I just can’t imagine them even doing anything like this,” she said.

Well, they did.

Do you think the couple should be convicted in this conspiracy?

Parents Plant Drugs On Child’s Teacher Because They Didn’t Like Her is a post from: The Inquisitr

Ever watch a superhero movie and go, “man I wish I could be a superhero”? Well you can be in some parts of the world, but I have to warn you. The pay sucks.

Meet Avelino Chavez. The 52-year-old “Superman” doesn’t have any superpowers to speak of, but he sure is busy. He can’t stop speeding bullets, but he’s always present at political rallies and speeches. He doesn’t save damsels in distress, but he makes wedding appearances, like at Peru’s famed opera tenor Juan Diego Florez’s nuptials. He can’t fly, but does work with a travel agency in the central Plaza de Armas.

“Hola Superman!” people shout on the streets. “Hola, Superamigo!” he yells back. I’m not making that up.

Chavez has had the gig as Superman for about 15 years now, and earns $160 a month for his caped-crusader-related appearances. Prior to being Superman, he was a bullfighter, a craftsman, and even a brothel security guard.

“I lost my job but realized that I could be Superman. I went to the store and bought a blue shirt and a cousin of mine who is a seamstress sewed the cape, the boots, the belt and the red tights,” said Chavez.

The gig earns him enough to keep going and support his night-job of “maintain(ing) order in the city.” He doesn’t get many opportunities to save the day while on patrol, unfortunately. He said that he recovered a stolen purse for a woman back in 2002, but didn’t mention any other crime fighting.

But wait, this is straight-up vigilantism. How are we supposed to stop Super Chavez? “My Kryptonite is my security,” said Chavez, hinting at his only weakness.

Chavez is single and childless, living in a poor apartment in Lima, the life of Super Chavez isn’t spectacular, and the super-hombre admits that he is single. “But when I get a girlfriend I would like to make love on the moon,” he says.

Super-Chavez joins the ranks of other real-life superheroes like Maryland’s Batman, who entertains sick kids, and Maine’s “evil Batman” who threatened to blow up a hospital on Facebook, later saying it was a joke.

Cut it out, Maine Batman. You’re making honest, hard-working superheroes look bad.

South America’s Superman Fights For Great Justice And About $200 A Month is a post from: The Inquisitr

Authorities say that an Oregon woman was trapped under a dresser in her home for four days before anyone noticed her absence and called the authorities to investigate.

Neighbors began to worry when they hadn’t seen, spoken to, or heard from neighbor Virginia Cartier in four days. Neighbors then called the authorities after not seeing their 67-year-old neighbor, and asked them to go and check on the Cedar Mill community resident. Neighbors noted that Cartier lives alone, but her car hadn’t moved from the parking lot in days and that she usually lets them know if she leaves for long periods of time.

The authorities ultimately decided to force their way into Cartier’s home, and found her pinned underneath a dresser. The piece of furniture had apparently fallen on top of her while she was trying to move it. She was alive, but had injuries to her legs and was weak, in-and-out of consciousness, from days without food or water. She was sent to a hospital and later released, according to reports.

After being released from the hospital for minor injuries, Cartier is now recovering at the home of a friend.

Sgt. Vance Stimler of the Washington County Sheriff’s Office told KGW that without the intervention of Cartier’s neighbors, the situation could have been much worse. “If not for the concerned neighbors and decisive action of the deputies on scene the result of this situation could have been tragic,” he said.

Portland Woman Pinned Under Dresser For Four Days Before Neighbors Called Cops is a post from: The Inquisitr

Portland, Oregon woman was arrested Monday for trespassing, hiding in a suitcase. Why? Well, she just wanted to visit her boyfriend.

Kola J. McGrath, 50, was picked up by Portland authorities earlier this week after workers at the downtown apartment complex started wondering why a particular resident always carried around a large pink rolling suitcase. Once they found out that he had his girlfriend inside, naturally they thought he’d kidnapped her. The caller Monday told cops that a man had abducted a woman in a rolling pink suitcase and brought her to Oak Apartments, reports the Columbian.

When cops arrived, the building manager helped them finger 52-year-old resident Curtis T. Lowe as the suspect. They searched his apartment, finding the pink suitcase in the living room, and McGrath hiding in a closet.

How could she fit into that suitcase? Because she only weighs 96 pounds and stands at 5 feet 6 inches, according to reports.

Further wrapping up of loose ends: why was she arrested for trespassing in the first place? Because last year, during a domestic dispute with Lowe, McGrath broke a fire extinguisher and was subsequently banned from the building by the property manager. Apparently that spat wasn’t enough to keep her from Lowe, as the two continued their love affair. Given her banning from the property, they had to find a “creative” solution to see each other, so that’s how you get the pink suitcase.

Clever.

I guess.

Awww…Woman Arrested for Hiding in Suitcase to Visit Boyfriend is a post from: The Inquisitr

Due to a recent string of extremely strange (dare I say: zombie attacks) in the news lately, many readers find themselves scratching their heads wondering, “Hey… what’s with all the cannibalism lately?” Well, you’re not alone. Enter Dr. Karen Hylen, the primary therapist at Summit Malibu Treatment Center in California, who explores the psychological motives behind the recent string of grisly face-eating crimes.

Dr. Hylen recently sat down with The Huffington Post to hash out the psychological foundations for the act of cannibalism. According to Dr. Hylen, while many have engaged in cannibalism throughout history for various religious or cultural reasons, modern “practice” of the brutal act is rooted in mental illness, even addiction.

“People who have engaged in this act report feelings of euphoria or get a ‘high’ by performing the action to completion,” she told HuffPo. “These individuals have psychopathic tendencies and are generally not psychotic. They know exactly what they are doing.”

It starts as a fantasy, then after getting a ‘taste’, “the pleasure center of the brain becomes activated and large amounts of dopamine are released –- similar to what happens when someone ingests a drug like cocaine.” Once that’s happened, the brain wants that feeling again, and thus begins the cycle of addiction.

The good news is, one’s chances of becoming addicted to tasty man-flesh are incredibly low. “It takes a complete lack of empathy and ability to experience normal human emotions to reach this state,” Hylen said. “Generally, less than 1 percent of the population is classified as [a psychopath], although more may possess the tendencies associated with psychopathic disorder.”

But still, being a psycho does not a cannibal make: “Only the sickest of individuals would entertain such a notion, let alone act on it,” she said. “Just because you or your therapist believes you have psychopathic tendencies does not mean that cannibalism is in the realm of possibility for you. If you are this type of person, you most likely already know it to be true and don’t need an outside source to tell you.”

Since it’s so rare, treatment is pretty much off the table. “To date, there is no effective cure or treatment for these individuals, as no amount of medication or psychotherapy can instill empathy in someone,” she said.

Though incredibly powerful and recklessly made drugs called “bath salts” have allegedly played a role in the recent string of cannibalistic crimes, the psychological may still play a factor. High off your ass is one explanation for the events, but simply crazy works for me too.

Cannibalism is Addictive, According to Expert is a post from: The Inquisitr

A family in Iowa discovered a massive mammoth bone in their back yard, hoping to recover the rest with the help of archaeologists.

“I got down on my hands and knees on the bank and I could see a marrow line around the edge of this and I said boys, that’s a bone, that’s a really big bone,” said John, the patriarch of the Iowa family.

The family first stumbled across the object over two years ago when they were digging around in the dirt. While they initially believes it to be a bowling ball, further unearthing revealed it to be a mammoth bone. The family’s Oskaloosa home was once quiet an idyllic, but has now become busy excavation site with the University of Iowa Museum of Natural History overseeing the dig.

The family kept the discovery to themselves for nearly two years, keeping the mammoth bone in their living room, before finally deciding to contact experts to help them finish the excavation.

“The size of this discovery is quite uncommon,” said Sarah Horgen, the museum’s education coordinator, “It’s pretty exciting-–partially because the mammoth is being discovered where it died. And we know that because we’re finding very large bones right alongside very small bones.”

The bones, found about 10 feet below ground, are said to be at least 12,000 years old. The experts on the dig are excited about the discovery, because it is actually quite uncommon to find so many bones from one mammoth in the same place. “The conditions of the bones were ideal,” archaeologist Marlin Ingalls of the Iowa State Archeologist’s office told HuffPo.

University of Iowa researchers identified the original discovery as a mammoth femur. They have since uncovered the mammoth’s vertebrae and ribs, reports Discovery.

“Finding the small bones is a very significant attribute in terms of the possibility of finding a nearly complete skeleton,” continued Ingalls. “There will be additional excavations out there in about two weeks in the hope that we can enlarge the excavation and recover as many of those as possible.”

John and other volunteers are hoping to unearth the mammoth’s head next. What is he going to do with the skeleton? “Build another room off the side of the home and put it together? I don’t know, I haven’t decided yet,” he said.

Here’s a video of the excavation:

Family Finds Mammoth Bones in Back Yard (VIDEO) is a post from: The Inquisitr

Last month, a McDonald’s soda thief made headlines across the country after he faced five years in prison for lifting some gratis Coke in a courtesy cup provided by the fast food restaurant for patrons who wish to drink tap water rather than soda during their meals.

52-year-old Mark Francis Abaire is believed to be homeless, and many were sympathetic to the man’s plight despite the fact that the larceny, however petty, was technically stealing. On one hand, no one wants to see homeless people go to jail for stealing beverages that cost the franchise pennies if that, but if the precedent is set that people can fill courtesy cups with soda, soon anarchy will reign and people will be backing pickup trucks up to helpless fast-food joints, sapping their carbonated beverage resources.

What happened in between the McDonald’s soda thief’s arrest and subsequent jail stay isn’t known, but Abaire may be some sort of serial chain restaurant menace- it appears he was arrested again in Collier County, Florida, this time for some sort of incident at Pizza Hut.

Just weeks after being nabbed for interfering with the business of McDonald’s, Abaire was arrested outside a the local Pizza Hut at 3:30 in the morning. According to UPI, Abaire had been in similar trouble before:

“The Collier County Sheriff’s Office said Abaire, who is known to be homeless, was spotted outside a Pizza Hut about 3:30 a.m. Recognizing him from a previous incident at the same Pizza Hut, officers stopped Abaire to speak with him, the police report said… Abaire was arrested at the Pizza Hut in February for trespassing and open-container violations and was banned from the restaurant, the newspaper said.”

The McDonald’s soda thief was charged in the latest incident with misdemeanor trespassing, and told police he was at the restaurant because he dropped his lighter.

McDonald’s Soda Thief Arrested Again, This Time at Pizza Hut is a post from: The Inquisitr

Three strikes laws and their brethren are controversial, and the story of a McDonald’s courtesy cup used for soda and not water in Florida is one of the kind that make people think the statutes aren’t always a great idea.

52-year-old Mark Abaire of Naples was arrested after a trip to McDonald’s gone terribly awry. According to local news sources, Abaire visited the East Naples McDonald’s location on Thursday night at about 10PM. Abaire asked for a “courtesy cup,” a smaller cup specifically used for customers that wish to drink tap water and don’t want to pay $2 for a fountain cup to do so. And while an employee specifically warned Abaire not to use the courtesy cup to snag some soda, police say the Naples man still stole about $1 worth of soda from the McDonald’s soda fountain.

While the practice is definitely stealing and not cool, due to prior convictions for petty theft (this dude wasn’t stealing cars, or more to the point, pensions), Abaire is facing five years in prison and a $5,000 fine. Which again, yes, stealing is bad- but given the massive pain faced by Americans overall due to the criminal actions of a few bankers, it seems rather… classist. Naplesnews.com reports on the heinous soda theft in detail:

“A manager told sheriff’s deputies that Abaire entered the store and asked for a glass of water around 10 p.m. Although the employee told him the cup was for water, Abaire filled it with soda at a fountain machine and sat outside the restaurant, according to an arrest report… During a conversation with the manager, Abaire declined to pay for the soda, valued at $1, refused to leave the premises, and cursed at the manager, the report stated.”

Abaire is currently jailed in lieu of $6,500 bond.

McDonald’s Soda Theft Could Land Man in Jail For Five Years is a post from: The Inquisitr

The guys — from New Berlin Eisenhower High School, in the aptly named town of “Pewaukee,” Wisconsin — evidently let it all fly in front of parents, students, and the other team during a game’s halftime this week. And fans in the stands saw it all. (And, for some reason, decided to take pictures of it.)

The school has decided to suspend the players and their coach for one game. But complaints are still, erm, streaming in. Some parents say the team should be required to clean up the field as a punishment.

As for the teens’ story, they say the bathrooms were locked earlier in the day and they didn’t know what else to do. Evidently, walking 10 more steps to avoid whipping it out in front of the crowds didn’t come to mind.

Pewaukee TV station WTMJ wasted no time dispatching crews to cover this late-breaking story. Their report is below.

Football Players Punished For Mid-Game Urination is a post from: The Inquisitr

The officers, he says, told him they believed someone was using his IP address “to distribute harmful information.” He says when they took the computer, they claimed it was because of “suspicion of downloading pornographic material.” He was later told the fine was a result of the “computer network and Internet safety protection administrative regulations.”

The case gets fairly convoluted, but long story short, officers eventually indicated that the charges had to do with the fact that the clip was downloaded via BitTorrent. That, they suggested, could “provide seeds for others to download” the material in question.

The whole thing has stirred up a media storm in the region — and, according to news reports, has turned the guy into somewhat of an Internet star. Following the online outcry, police ended up cancelling the fine. They maintained, however, that a law had been broken, and said they would “impart a punishment of criticism and education.”

In response to that, the man told local reporters the following:

“There really wasn’t any criticism. Mostly it was that I should try not to watch so much porn in the future.”

Uh, right. Lesson learned?

Man Fined For Having Internet Porn is a post from: The Inquisitr

Police in Pennsylvania had been looking for the guy since March. He’s accused of snatching two monkeys from the Wild World of Animals in the town of Eighty Four. He’d be on the run for months since missing a court date this past spring.

Then came the previously untapped primate power of MySpace. A prosecutor looked up the accused monkey man’s page and discovered he’d posted his new phone number and address there. (The page wasn’t even set to be private.) Authorities used that info to easily find him and arrest him.

The moral of the story: If you steal monkeys and run away from the law, make sure your MySpace page is set to “private” before posting your contact information. Otherwise, you’ll end up being the one in the cage playing with his own poo.

MySpace Helps Track Down Suspected Monkey Thief is a post from: The Inquisitr

The 15-year-old evidently logged on and noticed that he didn’t have the same level of access he used to. So, like any normal kid, police say he beat the living hell out of his brother with a cane, then went after his mom with a knife. Officers say he only pushed her, though, and never actually used the blade. What a nice young lad.

The kid’s now facing charges of battery and aggravated assault. Of course, the jail guards are going to be in for a rough surprise when this little bugger discovers that his cell isn’t Web-enabled.

Internet Restrictions Inspire Attack, Police Say is a post from: The Inquisitr

For an extra fee, you can get your final farewell broadcast across the entire Web. Have some relatives who don’t want to make the journey? Let them watch from home! Want to digitally immortalize the moment to relive over and over at the click of a button? You’ve got it!

Now, to be fair, this place isn’t the first to try the idea — though it’s far from a widespread practice.

Is it a bad idea? Not necessarily. It is, after all, putting technology to a new and modern use — albeit it in an odd sort of way.

Still, for some reason, the whole thing leaves me with a bit of a weird feeling. Maybe there are some places where technology shouldn’t go. Maybe this is one of them.

Any thoughts?

Cyber Funerals Hit the Net is a post from: The Inquisitr

The guy’s plan seemed simple enough: He marched into an adult video store in Colorado and told them he was there to check out the x-rated videos and make sure there were no underage performers. He even went as far as to flash a badge and leave a business card stating he was with the “age verification unit” of the local police force.

Mr. Inspector tried to get free videos on three separate occasions, but the store didn’t fall for it. They called the real cops, who are now using surveillance tape to try to find the fella.

The man is described as 5 foot 6 with long black hair and a noticeable stiffy.

Have You Seen the Porn Inspector? is a post from: The Inquisitr