Our favorite satirist Fake Steve Gillmor comes out of retirement for a special post on the dangers of FriendFeed.

I’m back bitches, did you miss me? I’ve been heavily denuded for this past year, basking in the grammatical orgy that is MG while secretly plotting my return. I’m not returning in realtime, but the Rsscloud and PubSubHubbubGlubglub that is FriendFeed has forced my hand.

FriendFeed killed Twitter! This isn’t the first crime committed by the poor excuse for a Twitter client: FriendFeed also started World War 2 and relies on a fresh feast of babies to keep its servers up. FriendFeed is a parasite on a pimple on Twitter’s ass.

How the hell does a denial of service attack plague reach into the coolest service no-one will ever use, so I’m told because FriendFeediots like myself are smug and never use it. How does a baby eating service with no users become a complete and total gasbag when Twitter farts on the Drudge Report?

The game of soccer between Laconica and Facebook is a pathetic attempt to imitate Twitter. It doesn’t reduce my own guilt by endlessly promoting the advantages of realtime and the ephemeral return of Track. Scoble. FriendFeed will solve all of my social media problems before anybody else does by killing Twitter and babies, are we clear here?

I’m beginning to shake the blood off with stream splicing, Scoble is being attacked for being Scoble, and I’m breathing deeper now. It’s all good. God says I should stop playing with myself, and naturally I blame FriendFeed.

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1. It’s Time For FriendFeed To Kill Twitter
2. Facebook proves how lame it is – steals from Twitter and FriendFeed
3. FriendFeed Announces Another Update

For the last few weeks, The Inquisitr’s tech coverage has become so viscerally partisan that you could sense that the coverage was coming close to threatening the fundamental tenets of particle physics. Namely, that keeping your nose clean with Crunchmeme requires brown envelopes.

With the advent of 24 hour blogging and Google hit squads, the business of invading South America has a wag the dog feel about it. As Jason Calacanis became more and more drunk in his analysis of young blonde groupies, the best god could do was deny him his next bottle on an open mic. With ratings down this year, the cash flow may be harder to come by in 2009.

The celebrity circus obscured the fact that in the history of tech conferences, BlahBlahGirls will now become default slang for crappy site, hot older wife. They say that Stolly is filtered, clean and pure as the Google filters that delivered an airline hit. Filters through which we learn the “facts” on the ground, like how Russia started the war, even when we all know it was Georgia’s fault. These thin-skinned primadonnas run startups, fame whores at desks in their boxer shorts and waiting for the moment of inspiration from the next missive from god.

Not that I innately believe every message coming from the Google chiefs; often the nuance of their answers carries money dressed in Adsense units. If Silverlight can play comfortably in Chrome, with a nod toward warewolfs and the loch ness monster to fill in the Linux blank, then Chrome becomes mesh toast, lightly buttered with cream cheese and freshly caught shrimp paste, cooked by a Kindle chef. If I have flash on the brain, it’s not from the streaming porn I’m researching, but from the paparazzi taking pictures of me this week.

The Netflix strategy makes renting porn a less onerous process, with no late fees and a large catalog to choose from, and yet will people pay when they can download it for free? Or will my partner in crime have already cut the net off through excessive usage?

I want to conclude though by thanking god for giving me such a great personal blog where I get paid to write the occasional article, and nothing much else happens in between. Who had the cutest dog at the event you ask? car racing wins, the Ford puppy was fat.

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Now the Lord has fulfilled his word which he spoke; for I have risen in place of the redirect and sit on the throne of anecdotes, as the lord promised, and have built the house for the name of the lord, the God of Blogging.

It’s always good to be given a second chance. There’s water on Yahoo so Twitter says, and Carl Icahn is sitting on a clue.

What say thee on a summers day that Yahoo has water? not a rose but a crown of thorns consuming a coral reef. Microsoft, having moved into Canada now bludgeons baby seals, and tells Yahoo to take it or leave it. FriendFeed. Mesh.

Yahoo prays to a false prophet, seeking a social play that Facebook took away one rainy winters day. H20 they say, never on a raining day, but only where the play is gay. Hooray.

At TimeWarner, they aim for an Albatross on the 17th, failing perhaps as the batteries run out on the golf cart, but happy in the warm glow of a declining medium. Announcing the right plan at the wrong time, then a wrong plan at the right time, then a wrong plan at the Battle of Waterloo, you know what I mean.

Powerset proves that where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Cuil may not be cool, but there’s always hope of a Google buy. Acquisitions never stop as Mountain View aims for world domination, a standing army of millions ready to speak the word of the god to the heathens.

“Remember, I shall be with you always, to the end of the world.” It’s great to be back, and I never forgot you. That’s the story of Yahoo.

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3. Glenn Beck and the frog in boiling water stunt

Introducing The Inqusitir store on Zazzle. It’s our first attempt at creating a store, and once I feel more inclined to use Photoshop, we’ll probably add some extra lines, including offering Zazzles fantastic range of customizable womens and kids shoes, but for now we start with these.

Inquisitr T-Shirts

Inquisitr Q T-Shirt feauting the Inquisitr Q.

Fake Steve Gillmor T-Shirt, complete with FSG head and the immortal FSG words “Peanut Butter on Lettuce in the Weimar Republic.”

Twitter T-Shirts

Attention Japan: please send your whaling ships to 164 South Park San Francisco. KTHXBAI

business plan wanted please send to @twitter

Twitter is good for earthquake news

Miscellaneous T-Shirts

It’s not bad, it’s Cuil

FriendFeed Addict

im on michael arringtons shit list

This is my Identi.ca T-Shirt

This is my Plurk T-Shirt

One thing I can vouch for with the T-shirts is that the quality is good. I ordered a shirt from Zazzle recently to check the quality, and I’m comfortable in using them. They also ship internationally, and unless you want it express courier, where the shipping cost is often higher than the good, the shipping rates are reasonable and my T-Shirt arrived in Australia 11 days after order.

This is my Plurk T-Shirt

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As the Russians battled into the heart of Berlin, Hitler decided to end it all. TechCrunch IT is no more. Killed by the hand of god before it could reach its full potential. A watergate sized travesty in a magic mushroom teacup.

Was it a failure to communicate with the IT community that hastened the Russians at the gate, or a bumbling mess of poor seques and historical anecdotes that became an atom bomb to the Japanese. Is it not a failure to communicate the failure to communicate the sites demise, instead simply redirecting it to gods kingdom alone?

What now for the mesh toast, the fluffy clouds and yapping dogs that can no longer find a home. Why isn’t there a ASPCA for lost blogs from where they can find new homes. Why did Joni Mitchell die so young, and yet Tinny Tim live until 1996. O Grub Street! how do I bemoan thee, Whose graceless children scorn to own thee! Yet thou hast greater cause to be, Ashamed of them, than they of thee.

Death cancels everything but truth; and strips a man of everything but genius and virtue. It is a sort of natural canonization. It makes the meanest of us sacred—it installs the poet in his immortality, and lifts him to the skies.

Death or life or life or death. Farewell sweet TechCrunch IT, I love you still.

Editors note: since FSG posted this, TechCrunchIT has returned and is no longer redirecting to TechCrunch, however the last post date on the site is July 25. Still looks dead to me

Editors note 2: TechCrunchIT is now redirecting to TechCrunch again and the site has be scrubbed from the network list. Completely 100% dead.

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It has been over a month since my first column, and the parachutes are still floating at the Beijing Olympics. Juniper Networks sponsors the parachutes, falling over in 24 hours before the Microsoft cake eating competition. This is the new Microsoft, where Steve Ballmer and Ozzie Osbourne rock the company. It’s also the beginning of the end, my friend, the only end, a Parisian bathtub my friend.

Apple in a rare acknowledgment admits that iTunes is now a conduit for pirated versions of the Doors, and even the now famous bootleg Lost Paris Tapes takes center stage. OK, how does that work? a virtualization of 8 tracks my friend. Yes, 8 tracks in the cloud that is everyone’s favorite M Toast. Layer that developers can (must) write to. Yes, it’s the M word.

How do you encourage pirates to toe the line? Take a page from Wikipedia, shake it, don’t stir it, then Command V it into Google Knol while mandating spam control by adding an application layer via Google Adsense. The enterprise ships of today use battery life, not sails, but the sea shanty is still not protected by the RIAA. A complete fail of push notification copyright control.

Extrapolate a carrot-stick approach to pirates and the Microsoft situation is in pieces: social services with pirates offering free music, all with the M word that shall not yet speak its name, at least for another 200 words. Pirates sail by Silverlight across the Caribbean, Keira Knightley occasionally dropping in for a chat. But do they listen? are pirates enlightened fellows? There is no glass ceiling on a plundered privateer. Sucker bets Redmond fails on search for 10 pieces of gold.

Meanwhile, developers are shown the way to earn money by blending social graph and cross-platform rich-enough apps in third world countries where developers work for pennies. It’s the perfect 17th century strategy applied to the 21st, but shhhhh, don’t let anyone in on the secret. Webkit, Shedkit, Shanghai, skyhigh profits.

But where do you mine for the big M in the social graph? XMPP toast is related, but it’s not the same, a constant stream for the lucky few who still think Twitter is run competently, but blocked off to the sane rest. Viral iPhone apps, Evertone or something. Elephants. India. More cheap labor. Can they find the magic pudding?

Smirnoff is consumed at Microsoft, and they sing of times gone buy. A time before the magical M fairy, and what it all means. As they stumble, they split into smaller groups, uber Office and the German Third Reich. But it’s all for good, because Mesh toast gets a new head count in the Senior Leadership team, not drawn for the current failing cloud but from somewhere outsourced from the company or perhaps a profitable area in the lunchroom.

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Fail whale on toast may be popular in Japan, but Seattle Bear is more palatable to the general populace in the enterprise space. Monopolies, Standard Oil, AT&T like behavior, these are the things people want. Windows, Office, Mesh toast transition from the previous era of computing, Windows for Workgroups and Windows NT converged and transferred control from IT to a loose federation of micronations in the South Pacific.

Soon an average civilian could set up tunnels between islands, and run cables to support ISDN. Lotus Notes, Exchange Server, Citrix, McDonalds, KFC, all mass produced. Fluffy white clouds circling the air. Groovy.

Twitter is OS/2, Identi.ca Linux, Mesh on Toast, the Windows of the space. Note Dominos is still a popular game in some countries. Transfer of messages, via Telegram, the internet of the 19th century, and the pipes were cleaned by Ajax, kitchen gel.

The security however isn’t there. Chinese spies steal blackberrys, but they don’t steal iPhones. Windows for Mobile is now more secure thanks to Mesh toast, and at the intranet level, Web 2.0-aware CIOs are cheering in a sea of bright lights.

Then there was Scoble at Microsoft. Scoble made mesh toast. By himself he defined his mesh toast with a special mark. Sure, Scoble on Toast isn’t the Virgin Mary, but at a time everyone’s identity is time-sliced up according to these very different but parallel-running information streams, surely Scoble toast means something. Zuckerberg, still in diapers, snatched another idea for Facebook, canons blazing. F*(% I’m sh*^faced.

Apple created the iPhone to take advantage of Gates leaving Microsoft, but we all know Steve Jobs is on borrowed time. Besides, Uncle Fester is more menacing at the reigns of Microsoft, API and Mesh Toast cleaned with Ajax Kitchen Gel, and wammo, the cleanest kitchen in Seattle.

And it’s here that simple wins – a lowest common denominator approach to toast. Recall that in the Watergate investigation, Nixon didn’t eat toast, case closed.

People on FriendFeed breastfeed over the synchronous convergence of Mesh toast. Magic Mushrooms. Nuff said. A complete leopardization:

Every day I get in the queue (Too much, the Magic Mushroom Bus)
To get on the bus that takes me to you (Too much, the Magic Mushroom Bus)

That’s Yahoo in a nutshell, as I’m sure you would agree.

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On demand computing has seen some significant challenges since the 18th century. From Amazon rainforests to Rackspace, Gnipping at iPhone software and hardware rollouts, strategies that require more than Art of War tactics.

The ongoing saga with the Twitter proves that efficient microcosms in laboratories are not ideal for cloning. Bad, unruly stoned birds result in increased consumption of those services (aka the munchies) that affects the provider’s game plan. As Twitter falls off the perch, the company has stripped mined its memes in a desperate attempt to stop the stability volcano from erupting.

Like Lyre Birds, the rebuilding reaches a crescendo when building materials are acquired from Summizing others. The plan can be routed via Belgium, as the French maginot line offers a serious challenge for the Panzer 38(t), and not enough Panzer II (f) will be around until later in 1940.

The bird though suffers from fragmentary, misleading growth. Pingdom is the Tokyo Rose of the avery, spewing false numbers that have no reflection on the uptime of the overall canary cavalry. XMPP toasters offer fresher versions of stale bread to the select few while the rest scrape off the mold. Reply tabs on roses and whiskers on kittens, Bright copper VC’s and warm woolen mittens, building an IM platform like it was Blogger, these aren’t a few of my favorite things.

Ev Williams comes across like Nixon. Seriously. Twhirl is his Vietnam, man. Identi.ca is North Korea, Plurk is Cuba and Utterz is…well no one knows. There’s a cover up a foot, and we need to call James Bond to save the day. I’d D: MI6, but Twitter is down.

Can Twitterspy defeat Bond and save the day? and who was the better Bond, Peter Sellers or Sean Connery. Is a kilt really like a dress?

Yahoo has its role in this, with or without its acquisition by a front company for the Chinese Government once the Microsoft cultural revolution has pillaged the map for the holy grail of C grade advertising and search. Indiana Jones…why I see there’s a new Star Wars coming out. Olympic fanfares. A common Seque.

The very vehemence of these strategies and bird contortions in locking down the XMPP toasters underscore the emergence of China as the world super power in kitchen appliances. Shaken, not stirred, and make sure the canary is dead before it leaves the coal mine. Or at least over the age of consent, we don’t want anyone to get into trouble.

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Today we get the latest full ongoing back-filling explanation of Twitter. The idea that Twitter was created in seven days by FriendFeed is one of several XMPP bone scans currently being pursued. In a post modern deconstruction this afternoon, God confirms a birds nest and tree makes little Twitters. FriendFeed makes only small demands on the tree, but balances this with sunshine and soil

Others suggest that evolution was an important part of Twitter. To summize the concept, from small ameobas, big Twitters grow…or was that a Beatles song? Combine evolutionary XMPP over IM to create soaring eagles over the battlefields of Iraq. The American Eagle, splendid in its foreign policy disaster habitat.

A work-around for the limitation of the Twitter is to add pizza. Pizza creates big birds, and Sesame Street has been going nearly 30 years, compared to Twitter’s 30 minutes, at least at the time of writing. The rain in Spain falls mainly at 164 South Park, San Francisco.

Firehoses make great fountains for the Twitter. The data of water breathes life to the restless bird, allowing it to soar again over the hippy alternatives from north of the border. Blame Canada isn’t just a song book from a television series of the same address.

Translated: peanut butter. It tastes good, particularly smeared on roasted bird.

Tracks rock the bird as well, like they rocked Bowie’s seminal Pin Up’s in 73. I still remember the day the album was released on 8 Track, as I’m sure many of you reading this well. The album summed up Twitter well: I Wish You Would (work), Everything’s Alright (the pingdom song), I Can’t Explain (why we are down), Friday on My Mind (pass the bong), Sorrow (Bezos kicked our asses), Don’t Bring Me Down, Shapes of Things (to come)…Where Have All the Good Times Gone.

Despite Twitter’s best efforts to restrict access to spammers, BarakObama314 continues, a duck is shot in the woods, and nobody hears it. The Chinese have joined the space race, and Wal-Mart is sponsoring the moon mission. Let Carl Sagan truly summize the meaning of the Twitter, in this incredible video from the youtubes.

(img credit)

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2. Twitter hacked – Again!
3. For Twitter, Summize would be a talent buy

Tomorrow we celebrate July 4th, and then shortly thereafter the deer will be game again. Fireworks will explode in FriendFeed donation bins and resonate around the now deafened enterprise. We will want to believe in the xPhone, but the tyranny of Government will hide it on a secret military base.

When the xPhone shipped last year, the shiny new platform failed to find buyers. No typewriter or telegram, no secure communications free from British spying. As I’ve proven above, not a German U-boat.

This is no way to rank and reward employees. No hooks to catch the fish that were vital to the Boston Tea Party. Bottled water in corporate audit trails. And worst of all, a roadblock to time-wasting via Twitter.

IMAP support made bidirectional syncing of email possible, but Google would have none of that.

Google Talk for the xPhone prompted some overexcited predictions of the demise of Flickr, but certainly a muscular shot across the weightlifters bow, because muscle men with breasts still look feminine. Those who remember the Battle of Waterloo know to well that Twitter’s real problem is related to the chops they serve not coming from free range cows. So too did marketers, politicians, publishers, and Hollywood. The Social Wand is coming to a porno near you.

The music cartel will open as artists realize that xPhones can be had for free, offering backstage passes to Swedish blondes with archival performances on demand. 3G and WiFi will combine to overtake Radio, Television, and will take us to Mars and back. NASA will need more than another seven astronauts.

Disruption occurs when coalescing technologies commingle, and in freeing ourselves from the tyranny of Nazism that fateful July day, we are now free men without free health cover. I salute the state of California this independence day, and encourage you all to vote yes to legalizing drugs at the first opportunity you remember to attend a ballot box.

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Following a tip, I visited BlogSeeker to find that nothing on the site has been updated in over two months, with most of the content on the front page going back to March. The really odd thing about this service, if it ever really existed as an ongoing concern, is that it doesn’t exist in Google…or Yahoo, or even Technorati (outside of the page itself), and that’s how far I went in trying to find more about it. It’s like it never actually launched, or if it, eWeek has tried to scrub every reference to it. In fact the only links into it were some stray eWeek posts where an ad for BlogSeeker was hard coded into the posts itself and must have been too hard for eWeek to remove.

There’s also an interesting twist: the project would appear to be linked in some way to Steve Gillmor. As well as appearing as the featured blogger on the front page of BlogSeeker, the demise of BlogSeeker would appear to be around the same time as Gillmor stopped blogging for eWeek here. A failed Gillmor project perhaps? I asked FSG for comment and all I got was something about mesh and Al Capone, so that didn’t solve the mystery.

One person pointed out to me that this is yet another example of a traditional media outfit trying to break into blog tracking and failing so badly that no one noticed. Despite this being a rational conclusion, I think that if Steve Gillmor was involved that it could never be as clear cut as that and that the real reason would be far more complicated, something that I, as a mere mortal, could not understand. So be it. Either way, BlogSeeker joins the mai dodopool.

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Feldman and Israel made up this week. It was getting awkward for the lord, who in between licks of a lollypop was busy plotting world domination. Microsoft without Gates is like Cher without Sonny.

What comes next is always predictable. Germans are never happy with peace treaties, and love snappy uniforms. I’ve always enjoyed reading Dawkins’ conclusions on Mesh Paradigm Theory, but did I spot him in this weeks Dr Who?

The battle will continue when the puppet next appears. All conferences are stolen from one and other. TechCrunch 50 is stolen from Demo, without 50 of the startups paying. But who will take both and allow full participation for free? I don’t believe the Olympics will drive Silverlight adaptation until it becomes a full fledged competitor to AIR, which is what the rumor mill is saying. People in glass houses. Hypocrisy.

No one can win this. Seesmic vs Phreadz. Apples and Oranges. A small grove in Italy surrounded by trees, the memories of the Spanish Inquisition still vividly remembered. What a wild time the 70s were.

But everyone wants it to stop…now. If the Live Desktop fits, you must convict. Pulp Fiction, Spielberg, John Williams Score. Lego Batman released in September, will they have a cartridge that fits my Atari 2600? eWeek, CIO, CTO, some guy who use to work at Adobe, Ballmer, Mesh, More Mesh, Mesh on bread. Live, Live desktop, live silverlight, flashlight, batteries. It’s an important point I want you to remember.

Please. Thankyou. Words from a movie I don’t recall, but it sums up Microsoft’s desktop strategy well. I’m not as impartial to pole vault as others, but I will tune in.

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Gordon Ramsay took the stage in a global tour deforce recently to take first tuna bragging rights. The Germans were not happy. IBM is outsourcing in India and they play cricket there, I don’t get cricket.

Tim the Tool Man, now that was a funny show. Barbie Dolls, Tools, badly treated minnows. Asexual or bisexual, does it really matter?

Google uses the same strategy in the way it focuses on the enterprise in Google Maps. Software as a service creates a paradigm shift, as Tim Ferris mentioned in a speech 452 days ago. Large blogging corporations are like the Romans facing barbarians at the gate. Who could forget the battle of Allia or the battle of Telemon, I remember them lke they were yesterday.

Was Nixon despised because he was decisive, or because he was a dick?  Would the jungles of Vietnam have maintained gross turnip supply levels if Al Gore had won the Presidency in 2000. Should the White House be out sourced, or open sourced?

Is it good enough today to ask what a website will do for you instead of asking what you can do for it? Can I write a post without mentioning facial hair?

The important thing to remember is that Salesforce can take marketshare from Frontera if they secure enough cows globally. Apple’s over supply of cattle rule it out as a market leader, where as Microsoft is still suffering from bad CSS rendering.

I’ve made the point about Yahoo here very clear and Thank you for joining me on this new journey. I know the readers love me, they say so in the comments I delete, and now the lord has given me a new place to play. And I get paid, and for other people debts may even be paid between drinks. 24/7 Steve, that’s the new name. That’s peanut butter smeared on lettuce.

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As the space program tries to recapture the spirit of the 60’s by digging for Martians, a tiny speck messages earth through the psychedelic goodness of the Twitter. I recall during one Star Trek episode shown in repeat in 1973 that the line Scotty beam me up was used, and who controls space, controls the imagination of short message services.

One of the failings of the iPhone was a lack of support for MMS, a sort of short message service with pictures. Pictures speak thousands of words with a brevity of length that is available on web short message services. Web based services have completely taken over from desktop clients. I no longer need to use Microsoft products, and the daughter knows nothing of desktop wordprocessing.

Once desktop wordprocessing is discussed, desktop developers hunt and gather. Circling around a wagon western style they ponder why they can no longer find prey. The concept of free has replaced paid, but for the hunters of desktop users, free equals expired.

Hilter expired in a bunker in Germany in 1945, by his own hand according to the official reports, but during a trip to Chile in 1981 I saw a man who looked just like Hitler. Why did wearing a mustache fall out of favor? Did Hilter scare people, or was it this photograph of Theodore Roosevelt?

Another Roosevelt saved America from depression and saving the British until 1942. FDR was a builder. A builder of highways. Super highways that carried cars. The super highways of today carry data.

Google owns large chunks of the superhighway. A cunning and devious plan to purchase dark fiber at the bottom of the market has created hidden value that isn’t represented properly in their share price.

How do we identify cunning and devious? If cunning were a plan it would be a Rowan Atkinson comedy, but is devious Henry Blodget in a Wall Street pit? If devious were a computer, it would have been programed by Google engineers, bent on total world domination by any means.

The engineers behind FriendFeed came from Google. That is why Twitter is better than FriendFeed.

(img credit: Wikimedia Commons)

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