Are you watching the 2011 Golden Globes tonight?
The Oscar warmup is on, and we’ve got the results live, as they happen. So far we have random British people interviewing celebrities on the red carpet, and Claire Danes and Catherine Zeta-Jones are discussing their dresses. Did you know if you’re Claire Danes, Calvin Klein makes dresses for you?
7:50 Anne Hathaway is twenty feet tall. The moar you know. She’s subtexting about totally banging Jake Gyllenhaal. Jimmy Fallon says the Golden Globes is like “one of the coolest parties.” Random British lady says Michelle Williams, Natalie Portman and Olivia Wilde are the hottest bitches on the red carpet tonight. Natalie Portman looks all pregnant and stuff.
7:58 Random British lady says January Jones has a “bangin'” body, and also would like to add she has “Bieber fever,” and he side hugs. Carson Daly is still insufferable. How is is still on TV?
8PM Yay, no more Carson Daly! Ricky Gervais is out. He is still smarmy. Opens with a gratuitous Charlie Sheen joke. LEAVE CHER ALONE, RICKY. Oooh, he called the Sex and the City girls old. Burn.
OMG he just called Tom Cruise and John Travolta and Scientologists “gay.” On the subject of Lost, Gervais said he’s not sure what happened, but he thinks “the fat one ate them all.”
8:05 Scarlett Johanssen is presenting, and her hair is insane. Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture, Christian Bale wins! No idea what he’s saying.
LL Cool J and some blonde are presenting Best Actress in a TV Series (Drama), which goes to Katey Sagal for her awesome portrayal of Gemma in Sons of Anarchy. She is very cute and surprised. Her first Golden Globe. Shocking. They are musicing her after like five seconds!
8:16 Kevin Spacey and Julianne Moore are presenting Best Mini-Series or Movie (Television), along with Joe Mantegna’s daughter. And the winner is… Carlos? They are musicing the French guy, but he will not be cowed, and continues to be French at us.
8:21 Bwahahaha, Ashton Kutcher’s dad, Bruce Willis. Now he’s gone, and Leighton Meester is presenting Best Supporting Actor (Television), along with some dude. The Golden Globe goes TO CHRIS COLFER FOR GLEE! Yay, Kurt! OMG, he is so cute and excited and said he dropped his heart between Natalie Portman and Julianne Moore. Now he’s shouting out the baby gays and he talks so fast! This is, of course, Chris Colfer’s first Golden Globe. So sweet!
8:30 Michelle Pfieffer is talking about Alice in Wonderland. Now Eva Longoria is coming on to present something, I think. She’s presenting some guy with creepy hair. Like Nicholas Cage’s “your argument is invalid” hair. Kevin Bacon and some chick Milla Jovovich are presenting Best Actor in TV Series (Drama).
How is this Steve Buscemi’s first win? He’s so awesome as Nucky Thompson in Boardwalk Empire. They’re already musicing him.
8:37 Boardwalk Empire also takes Best TV Series (Drama). Which it deserves, but The Walking Dead is awesome, too. (Weirdness, the Ted Williams Mac Cheese commercial just played! Do they have the Golden Globes in rehab?)
8:44 Some British guy from The Social Network cannot read the teleprompter. Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez are awkward. Did she just criticize his singing? This is the most outrageous thing I’ve seen all night. Best Original Song goes to “You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me” from Burlesque, and some lady named Diane Warren. She dedicated her win to murdered publicist Ronni Chasen.
Best Original Score goes to Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross for The Social Network. Trent Reznor looks exactly the same as he did when I was in high school.
8:55 Justin Bieber takes the stage to present Best Animated Feature Film. Toy Story 3 wins. Ricky Gervais lost his jacket. He’s implying all the stuff Robert Downey Jr. has done is gay, and threw in a crack about RDJ’s drug use. RDJ snarked back. Now he’s saying he tried to sleep with all his former co-stars. Oooh! He said “I’d give it to all five of you. At once.” Dirty.
The award RDJ is presenting is Best Actress (Comedy or Musical), which goes to Annette Bening, for The Kids are Alright.
9:10 That was a long commercial break. Sylvester Stallone is inexplicably on stage, presenting a montage of The Fighter. Now Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton are presenting, and Tilda Swinton looks reliably insane and is wearing a bedsheet and no lipstick. The Golden Globe for Best Actor in a Mini Series or TV Movie goes to Al Pacino, for You Don’t Know Jack. Apparently, Al Pacino gets to talk as long as he wants with no music, so screw you Steve Buscemi.
Claire Danes wins Best Actress in a Mini Series or TV Movie, for Temple Grandin- her second win after My So Called Life. Temple Grandin is in the audience. “Everyone was so viiiital,” Danes whines.
9:23 Oh, hello, Zac Efron. Looking inappropriately handsome. Ricky Gervais introduces Tina Fey and Steve Carrell by saying Carrell is ungrateful for leaving The Office. Aaron Sorkin wins Best Screenplay for The Social Network. I think he’s on mushrooms. Sorkin says elite isn’t a “bad word,” which I think is a bit of a political jibe there.
Two boys are presenting Best Supporting Actress in a TV Series, and the Golden Globe goes to Jane Lynch! For her awesome Sue Sylvester!
9:37 Olivia Wilde and Robert Pattinson derp the Best Foreign Language Film Golden Globe to In a Better World. Helen Mirren just said “inseminated.” She is still very old.
Vanessa Williams is now presenting with an action figure of Blair Underwood for Best Actress in a TV Series (Drama), and Laura Linney, who was too cool to show up, wins.
9:46 Jane Fonda is onstage, presenting a Burlesque montage. Now there are two people presenting Best Actor in a TV Series (Comedy), and Jim Parsons of The Big Bang Theory wins.
Jeremy Irons is presenting Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture, and Melissa Leo wins for The Fighter.
9:58 Matt Damon is presenting the Cecil B. DeMille award to Robert DeNiro, who looks exactly like my dad. Who is Cecil DeMille? Look it up on Wikipedia, like everyone else is going to do tonight. Montage time. I guess we forgot about Focker Babies or whatever that movie was called. (Update: he said he did it for the money.) Oooh, off color immigrant joke! He gets a standing O.
10:13 Megan Fox is talking about The Tourist, and she looks amazing. Annette Bening is presenting Best Director for a Motion Picture, and the Golden Globes goes to David Fincher, for The Social Network.
January Jones and Jimmy Fallon are presenting. She is wearing red tape on her boobs. January Jones’ boobs. They’re presenting Best TV Series (Comedy or Musical), and Glee wins!
10:25 Halle Berry is presenting Best Actor in a Motion Picture (Comedy or Musical), and Johnny Depp has been nominated twice. However, Paul Giamatti wins.
10:32 Is Joseph Gordon Levitt faking a British accent? Inception montage. Jeff Bridges is presenting Best Actress in a Motion Picture (Drama). The Golden Globe goes to Natalie Portman, for Black Swan.
Tim Allen and Tom Hanks are presenting Best Motion Picture (Comedy or Musical), and The Kids are Alright wins.
10:46 Sandra Bullock is presenting Best Actor in a Motion Picture (Drama). Colin Firth wins for The King’s Speech.
10:54 Michael Douglas is presenting the last award of the evening, and jokes that there “has to be an easier way to get a standing ovation.” He is presenting Best Actor in a Motion Picture (Drama), and the award goes to, unsurprisingly, The Social Network. It is official, Facebook has completely usurped our lives and entertainment industry.
10:59 Wrapped! Are you excited for the Oscars?