Posted in: Entertainment

Foam Finger Debauched By Miley Cyrus, Inventor Laments

The foam finger inventor has spoken out about Miley Cyrus and her abuse of the “honorable icon” during a controversial VMAs segment, and it appears here in America we have reached peak outrage.

Seriously, when we’ve dug far down enough to have the foam finger inventor weighing in on the social and cultural impact of Miley’s VMAs dance, I think it’s okay for us to all call it Labor Day Weekend, clock out of work, put down the internet, and go barbecue something. Productivity is just not happening today, America. You did your best.

But let’s go to the foam finger inventor so we can all know how he feels about Miley Cyrus injudicious use of the souvenir? Concession? Brandable promotional merchandise? Do we even care?

The guy who invented foam fingers, who totally exists, is name Steve Chmelar. He’s 59, and was 16 in the 70s when he dreamed up the idea of a foam finger to wave around at sporting events — never thinking for a second that in the terrifying dystopia of 2013, instead of jet packs, we’d have young women feigning nudity and performing simulated sexual acts with his brainchild.

Chmelar was horrified like much of America by the performance, but none of you had to cope with the additional horror of your most impactful life’s achievement being twerked upon live on national tee vee.

He bemoans the spectacle, beginning:

“She took an honorable icon that is seen in sporting venues everywhere and degraded it. Fortunately, the foam finger has been around long enough that it will survive this incident.”

The traumatized inventor continues:

“For people who like that kind of entertainment, I’m sure that it met their needs. If I had a choice between Julie Andrews singing ‘The Sound of Music’ and Miley Cyrus doing ‘Can’t Stop,’ I’d go the Julie Andrews route.”

While the foam finger’s inventor is clearly not a Miley Cyrus fan, the finger itself and its current condition following the broadcast assault has not yet been consulted.

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