Posted in: Opinion

If You Think Your Husband Is Trying To Kill You, Try Writing Elle Magazine For Advice

The magazine's advice: 'Your marriage is over.'

What do you do when you think your unemployed husband is slowly poisoning you to kill you off and get a hold of your assets? Why, write to an advice columnist, of course.

Advice columnists at Elle Magazine were certainly surprised when they received a letter from “Losing Sleep,” confessing that she believed her husband was killing her by putting poison in her coffee and in her expensive lotions. All “Losing Sleep” wants to do is catch the scoundrel, and asks columnist E. Jean Carroll if she could recommend an easy-to-use (and easy to hide,) camera that she can use to try to catch her husband in the act. The writer confesses that she thinks her husband found the video camera she initially hid in their bathroom, and dismantled the evidence.

Carroll’s advice? Get out. “Your marriage is over,” the columnist writes.

The initial letter from “Losing Sleep” reads, in part, as follows:

“I suspect he’s putting something in my coffee. I notice it smells funny, and when I drink it, my eyes get super puffy and swollen. I suspect he’s also adding stuff to my lotions and bath products, which created brown discolorations on my skin. My legs look as if they’re covered in snakeskin…These are expensive, high-end products that I know from experience work well. My suspicions have been further aroused since he’s started ranting about my ‘using chemicals.’

Last month I purchased a small camera and hid it in the bathroom, but I think he discovered it and deleted the files. So I moved it to a new location, and he put something in front of the lens. I need help. I’ve been married to this man for 11 years! I don’t know what to do! I’m freaked out!

I have a successful career and own significant assets. He doesn’t work. Obviously, if he wanted to kill me, he’s had plenty of chances. So my questions: Can you suggest a camera that might be more user-friendly and more easily concealed?”

Carroll’s reply is short and to the point, although she does throw in a bit at the end in the husband’s defense. You know, just in case he’s not a crazy murdered.

“Your marriage is finished.

Pack up the evidence (you won’t soon be coming back), and go see if your accounts are in order. A husband who tampers with a wife’s moisturizers will tamper with her money. While you’re at the bank, after you’ve looked into your investments, retirement funds, etc., now may be the time to move resources from any joint accounts into your personal ones, strike his name from credit cards, and so on.

After going to the bank, visit your attorney – your new matrimonial attorney – and give her the sham shampoos, bum bath oils, a copy of the hard drive of your husband’s computer, detailed notes on his ‘rants’ about ‘chemicals,’ and so forth. She’ll accompany you when you go to the police.

NOTE: One is never quite sure of husbands these days. It may turn out the fella was putting castor oil in your coffee in a flaky attempt to protect you from chemicals.

Really, the best part about the letter is the very end. After admitting that she’s been married to this supposed monster for over ten years, and suspecting that he wants her dead, her question: What’s a good spy-gear video camera? Not “Should I call the police?” Not even a naive, “Do you think counseling would help?” But “How can I catch this bastard?” Seems to me, Carroll was right. This marriage is over.

What do you think of this wife’s question? What would you do in her situation?

[Image via Shutterstock]

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