“Twilight Barbies” now available

Did you, too, find the lack of sex in the Twilight novels to be a deal-breaker?

Despite the fact the Bella and Edward had absolutely no chemistry and you were kind of rooting for the van, you can still get your fandom freak on and have Bella and Edward do it the really old fashioned way- in a shoe box under the bed. Twilight Barbies are available now that Halloween has been over for five minutes and everyone has to start thinking about Christmas OMG this second or all the good toys will get snatched up.

I have not yet obtained a Twilight Barbie, because I like my vampire books with sex and I’m not eleven and even if they had these books when I was eleven I’d say “what’s with this celibacy bollocks” and read VC Andrews instead, so I can only evaluate them from my laptop. The Edward Barbie, I imagine, is just like the real Edward totally Ken-emasculated and unlike the “twilight dildo” (no, not Robert Pattinson, the real thing) he doesn’t even sparkle. Lame.

The Bella Barbie has a slightly more compelling range of facial expressions than real Kristen Stewart and comes in a classy Girls Gone Wild orange skin tone. The dolls are labeled for ages six and over, but we all know creepy Twilight moms are going to buy these up like whoa and not leave any for the kids. Which is probably no small blessing, unless you’re trying to teach your daughter that getting knocked up by some ancient creep who watches you sleep for a whole year without your consent is a valid and commendable life plan.

[Available at Walmart]