The first trailer for Deadpool 2 was released on Saturday, after originally hitting cinemas with Logan on Thursday. As expected it was met with with a frenzied response, as moviegoers and comic-book fans reveled in reuniting with Ryan Reynolds’ Wade Wilson.
However, those of you that watched the trailer might have noticed what appeared to be an entire book report right at the end of the footage. Unfortunately it zipped by at such a ferocious pace that people weren’t able to keep track of it. For those of you that haven’t managed to catch the trailer, which also features a pretty clear shot of Ryan Reynolds’ bare buttocks, you can watch it in all of its glory below.
Told you it moved pretty fast. Thankfully the good folks over at Slate were able to keep up, and they have transcribed the entire diatribe, which turned out to be a slightly abridged version of Ernest Hemingway’s short story The Old Man And The Sea. You can read the full version below,
“The Old Man and the Sea is the story of a fight between an elderly, accomplished fisherman, Santiago, and a really big fish. Like … HUGE. The story opens with Santiago suffering eighty-four days without catching a fish because he’s the unluckiest son-of-a-b++++ on planet earth. Honestly, if you were in a boat for eighty-four days, it’d be hard NOT to catch a fish … even by accident. Santiago is so unlucky that his apprentice, Manolin, was forbidden by his Ma and Pa to fish with him. But as the Fresh Prince used to say, ‘Parents Just Don’t Understand’. So the boy visits Santiago’s shack anyway. Ignoring the inherent risks of unsupervised playtime with an elderly man who talks to himself, Manolin helps out, moving Santiago’s fishing gear, making food, and talking about baseball. Especially Joe DiMaggio, who used to bump fuzzies with Marilyn Monroe. The next day, Santiago tells Manolin that he’s going way out into the Gulf Stream, WAY OUT north of Cuba. Lady luck is returning! On the eighty-fifth day of his crappy luck, Santiago drops his lines, and by noon, gets a bite from what feels like a big ass fish. He’s sure it’s a winner. He fights and fights and fights but can’t pull the monster in. Santiago’s leaky old boat is pulled by the fish for two days and nights as he holds on for dear life. Even though he’s bloody and beat, Santiago begins to appreciate this mighty adversary. He starts calling him ‘brother’ or maybe even, ‘bro.’ It’s sort of a love story if you really think about it. And like most romantic comedies, the reader pictures a delightful outfit changing montage, followed by the inevitable interspecies wedding. But on the third day, Santiago is freakin’ EXHAUSTED and decides he just wants the fish to do what he says and not always swim wherever it wants. So he stabs it. With a f+++ing harpoon. It’s a mess. Super gross. Blood everywhere. Because, like many men his age, Santiago has difficulty expressing his emotions and fears with words—instead giving in to base desires—and imposing his gigantically terrible positions on any given subject through unblinking violence. Typical. Anyway, he straps the marlin to the side of his skiff and hits the road home, ready to act like a total show off to everyone and probably gouge people on the price. But guess what? Pretty soon sharks begin to attack the bleeding marlin’s carcass, because as we all know, life is a tragic opera and just when you think you’ve found something good and true, sharks come along and rip it all to fucking shreds while dry-humping your dignity with their crazy-weird shark dicks. Sure, Santiago tries killing a few of them, but drops his harpoon because his hands are just as old as he is. By nighttime, the sharks have pretty much eaten the entire marlin. Only a bleach-white skeleton remains, silently mocking him in the murky darkness. Santiago realizes he’s still unlucky, REALLY unlucky. (Duh!) He calls the sharks ‘dream killers’. Which isn’t really all that fair, I mean, the sharks were just doing their job and the marlin … Jesus, don’t even get me started on the marlin! It was just hanging out one day, minding it’s own business, maybe thinking about ways it could be a better provider for its family and WHAM! Harpoon in the brain. Who’s the ‘dream killer’ now, f+++face? The hypocrisy is pretty much boundless at this point. Eventually Santiago makes it ashore. Leaving the bones of the marlin and the boat, he hobbles to his shack. He makes it home and crashes, like I said—he’s super tired. The next morning, a group of fishermen gather around Santiago’s boat. One measures the skeleton and, holy shit-shingles! It’s over 18 feet! The head of the fish is given to Pedrico (strange that this is the first mention of him) and the other fishermen ask Manolin to send their glad tidings to the old man. Manolin brings Santiago newspapers and coffee when he wakes and they decide to fish together again. Many years later, there’s a Red Lobster Restaurant in nearly every city in America, offering a casual dining experience and convenient parking.”
The inclusion of this story at the end of the Deadpool 2 teaser has immediately led to speculation about why it was used. Especially since it just seems so random.
Well of course there has been plenty of discussion online, with the good folks over at CinemaBlend suggesting that it might be a way of Ryan Reynolds letting out his feelings regarding director Tim Miller’s departure from the franchise. Tim Miller previously made his directorial debut with Deadpool, and was signed up to do the same with the sequel, only to leave the project after creative differences with Ryan Reynolds.
There was one point in the passage that seemed to especially be alluding to their dispute, with Ryan Reynolds appearing to embody the marlin in the story. The part reads, “Jesus, don’t even get me started on the marlin! It was just hanging out one day, minding it’s own business, maybe thinking about ways it could be a better provider for its family and WHAM! Harpoon in the brain. Who’s the ‘dream killer’ now, f+++face? The hypocrisy is pretty much boundless at this point.”
Meanwhile, the team over at Comic Book suggested that it might actually be a metaphor for Deadpool and Cable’s relationship, which it has already been confirmed will be explored in the blockbuster. Or, maybe, Ryan Reynolds had simply recently read The Old Man And The Sea, became inspired, and he really wanted people to know about it.
Either way, things might become a little clearer when Deadpool 2 is eventually released at some point in 2018.
[Featured Image by 20th Century Fox]