Psychic Clinton Campaign Official Assures America That Upcoming WikiLeaks Drop Is Fake [Satire]
In the ongoing psy-war between truth and lies, psychic visionary and Clinton campaign communications director Jennifer Palmieri has assured Americans from coast to coast that the upcoming bombshell WikiLeaks drop is almost certainly a deceitful forgery.
“Friends, please remember that if you see a whopper of a Wikileaks in next two days — it’s probably a fake,” the clairvoyant campaign official wrote on Twitter after gazing into a pentagram of energy crystals and chanting the names of forgotten gods from days of yore.
Clinton camp warns any WikiLeaks whoppers are probably 'fake' https://t.co/0nci2NWJOa | Getty pic.twitter.com/QQHhJ8ZSR2
— POLITICO (@politico) November 6, 2016
This is good news for the floundering Clinton campaign, because a particularly incriminating eleventh-hour leak drop would likely cause public opinion of the Democratic nominee to fall even further than it already has following the previous controversies of repeated FBI investigations, the email scandal, the Benghazi scandal, the DNC scandal, the Project Veritas scandal, Hillary’s support for repeated consecutive disastrous acts of military aggression, the pay-to-play scandals, Julian Assange’s assertion that Clinton has been lying about Russia, the corruption revealed in the Clinton Foundation, accepting immense bribes from Qatar and Morocco, Bill Clinton’s pedophile friends, financial ties to the terrorist organization ISIS, revelations of witchcraft, the mounting body count of Clinton political enemies who wind up dying under mysterious circumstances, and rumors of a covert drug and/or child sex trafficking ring run under the cover of the Clinton Foundation.
According to the metaphysical extrasensory perceptions of the stalwart Clinton aide, WikiLeaks is for reasons unknown preparing to abandon its decade-long untarnished record of perfectly-vetted sources for publishing fibs and whoppers. WikiLeaks editor-in-chief Julian Assange could not be reached for comment about this curious new business decision, presumably, because he is a nefarious superagent of the Kremlin currently preoccupied with subverting American democracy and tying young maidens to railroad tracks while cackling maniacally.
Friends, please remember that if you see a whopper of a Wikileaks in next two days – it's probably a fake.
— Jennifer Palmieri (@jmpalmieri) November 6, 2016
Not having the benefit of otherworldly prognostication, WikiLeaks has erroneously tweeted in response to Palmieri’s prophecy that it will continue publishing authentic documents exactly as it did before its switch to tabloid transparency advocacy.
“Biggest ‘whoppers’ are those your campaign has been telling,” wrote the future entrepreneurs of clickbait yellow journalism, attaching a link to their DKIM-authenticated proof that acting DNC chairwoman Donna Brazile lied when she said that previous WikiLeaks documents had been doctored.
“WikiLeaks will continue its perfect record,” the tweet continued, apparently unaware of the occult superpowers possessed by the Clinton media director.
Alert readers may remember the supernatural sage Jennifer Palmieri from previous WikiLeaks releases, such as the following wherein it was revealed that the campaign official has been instructing news media outlets when they are permitted to run stories about her employer, which those bastions of journalistic integrity presumably obey.
Hillary Clinton Coms Director Jennifer Palmieri: PBS will obey my instructions to change air time for news "story" on Clinton and #TPP. pic.twitter.com/Ku1IwGXCAC
— WikiLeaks (@wikileaks) November 4, 2016
So please take Palmieri’s forecast into consideration regarding the forthcoming WikiLeaks releases, dear reader. Remember that the appalling, mind-bending “Oh my god did she really do that” revelations they unveil which threaten to irreversibly obliterate Hillary Clinton’s path are nothing more than the deceitful concoctions of an evil establishment bent on taking over the world, one cramped embassy room at a time.
No matter how foul the revelations may be, no matter how shocked you are when reading them, no matter how much they may seem to align with Hillary Clinton’s consistent patterns of corruption, bloodshed, amorality and dishonesty, you must not believe them! We must place our faith in the mystical guidance of psychic warriors such as Madame Jennifer Palieri and her caravan of preternatural talismans. We are all fortunate to enjoy the beneficent insight provided to us by her gifts, completely devoid of any agenda or manipulation.
(And yes, this is satire.)
[Featured Image by Andrew Harnik/AP Images]
