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Yes Dads, You Have To Support Your Kids, And No It Doesn’t Make You A Hero

By Caitlin Johnstone
Published on: 19:04 PST, Jul 15, 2016

Bernie Sanders released a statement on his Facebook page about single moms.

https://www.facebook.com/berniesanders/photos/a.324119347643076.89553.124955570892789/1088381181216885/?type=3&theater

There was a predictable outcry from the single dads. “What about me?” etc. Some were even upset with Bernie about raising the issue, even though it is their issue too. Instead of rallying around the single moms because they know what they go through and how hard they work and using their voices to say “Yes! They are heroines. I know this because I am a single dad, and I’ve had first-hand experience of single parenting, and it is hard, and we need help,” they tend to use it as an opportunity for a pity party.

But hidden in the text was this pertinent statement, where an author of a comment unwittingly illustrated the perceptual twist that is hindering progress on this issue.

“Single moms are not heroines. Why doesn’t anybody glorify a father that sticks around and actually helps raise kids? What about families that stick together and actually raise their children? Why are we going to glorify somebody who is at best doing what they’re supposed to do and realistically it’s just making the best of a bad situation?”

Can you see it too? There’s a little twist in his tale there, and therein lies the problem. Let’s break it down.

In essence, he says:

Why glorify women for doing what they should do?

We should glorify men for sticking around and raising the kids. That is the remarkable thing.

Why glorify women for just doing what they’re supposed to do?

That’s the rub right there. While men still think they should be glorified as a hero for going to work and providing for their children, but women are just doing what they should, regardless of whether they are on their own or not, we will have inequality.

That, right there, is the difference between being a Mom and a Dad. Moms are required to show up; when Dads do, it’s because they chose to, and they should get extra credit.

No. If you have kids, parenting them is now your responsibility, not matter your gender.

Men, hear this — having kids means that providing for them emotionally, materially, financially and attention-wise is just what is required of you; it’s non-negotiable, it’s not remarkable. It is baseline. All of these areas are required. They are normal. That’s parenting.

Providing for your kids in any or all of these areas does not require any on-your-knees gratitude and prostration from the mom, the kids, or society in general. You had the kids. Go to work, provide, get them what they need, turn up to their things, love them, play with them, be there for them. Not remarkable. Just parenting.

We need to send a strong message to all parents – we don’t feel sorry for you that you have to do it. You’re not worthy of sympathy or heroism. It’s your job, and it’s a very important one. If you sign up for the army, or the police force, then you sign up to do what is required of you. Same goes for parenting. Your children’s’ lives are at stake. Man up.

And if the woman in your life bore children to you without your will, well what were you doing having sex with her in the first place? Isn’t that what the right-wingers say? You know what sex is. Engage in an act of pro-creation with a woman and you might end up having a kid with her. Be prepared to take on that responsibility every time you have sex. And if you wouldn’t want to parent with the woman you are currently trying to bed – well, stop then. Easy. That’s what all the conservatives say to the single moms, right? If you don’t want kids, don’t have sex. Well, why wouldn’t it apply to men, too?

Therein lies another double-standard. It’s partly biological. If you’ve ever skipped a period, you know exactly what I mean. There is nothing that will scare you into taking your choice of sexual partners more seriously than spending a week scared to death that that one-night-fling you had after the Christmas party with Martin from Accounts meant that you’re going to be stuck raising a kid with him for the rest of your life. Women take sex much more seriously because we have a monthly reminder that falling pregnant to someone is a potential life-sentence. You know deeply that you’re making a choice that could affect the rest of your life – your body, career, mind and soul.

It’s biological, but it’s also cultural. Only the most awake men realize that. Only the most awake men approach sex as a sacred act that could literally entwine your life with another for the rest of it. Our culture generally sends the message to boys to get as much sex as possible with as many different women, and that’s that. That’s all you need to worry about. We need to change that. We really need to show them that yes, that hot chick you are lazily making a pass on could be leaking milk in your bed in just nine months time, you could find yourself supporting her and your new baby for the rest of your life. Is she the one you really want to give your life to, should she fall pregnant?

Responsibility goes both ways.

Sole parenting is heroic, however. When a parent goes missing, then yes, the now sole-parent is doing a remarkable thing. To take on sole-parenting is worthy of praise and, if the other parent has totally ghosted, financial assistance. It’s not their fault the other parent abandoned their kids. If you wanna jump on someone’s case, then look squarely at the abandoner.

For many women, they’ve been parenting solo inside the marriage for so long without any government or family assistance, that by the time he leaves, it’s just like having one less kid to look after, but the government and your family is suddenly aware you need help and are stepping up. Life suddenly gets easier. The relief is palpable. So women don’t always fight for child support or any of that stuff, they often just hope he’ll go away without physically hurting them or the kids, and just man up and make the best of what they’ve got. Because that’s a thing too. You’re seventy times more likely to be killed by your partner in the two weeks after splitting up with them. And you can feel it, too. That animal instinct for violence hangs in the air, cowering you.

Money is the key. Financial abuse occurs in 98 percent of domestic abuse cases. No matter what else he is doing to you, an abuser will almost always be using money to hurt you and your kids. Which is why women stay long after they should. Finances are the cage they’re trapped in.

By financially supporting single parents, we are not only helping them, but we are getting children out of bad situations and giving them the chance to be better humans, too. According to this latest study, kids of single moms appear to do well in life.

It’s to everyone’s benefit that we support sole-parents, but socially, it’s time we hold the abandoning parent to account.

[Image via Shutterstock]

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