A review of this year’s crop of silly NFL player names
One of the joys of a new NFL season is combing through the list of new players for those little bundles of mirth among the players’ names. NFL players have some of the weirdest names you will find anywhere, helped in no small part by the penchant by Americans to give their children unique names, sometimes via the most painful of intentional misspellings.
#12: Knowshon Moreno, Denver Broncos running back
This a primary example of a parent trying too hard to make their child’s name unique. I’m not sure what the etymology of this given name is – Sean, perhaps? – but it is unrecognisable from whatever its roots used to look like.
#24: Peria Jerry, Atlanta Falcons defensive tackle
At first glance Peria sounds old-fashioned, bringing to mind Old Testament names like Jeremiah, but it’s a confection.
#25: Vontae Davis, Miami Dolphins cornerback
The “ae” at the end of this one is a well-established suffix for girl’s names and makes of cars, usually, but this is America where the Matrix movie has killed meaning.
#39: Eben Britton, Jacksonville Jaguars offensive tackle
Presumably this is short for Ebenezer, which is a very old-fashioned name. Very silly, but should be popular if he ever plays in London.
#42: Jairus Byrd, Buffalo Bills cornerback
The surname adds to the hilarity. It brings to mind a label for one of Michelangelo’s mythical flying contraptions. A goldmine for headline writers if he shows speed during games and they can get pictures of him in mid-air jumping for balls.
#48: Darcel McBath, Denver Broncos cornerback
One for those who like a good Spoonerism.
#62: Sen’Derrick Marks, Tennessee Titans defensive tackle
You have to love the ridiculous apostrophe. Perhaps Sen’Derrick is secretly the nemesis of the Muad’Dib from the Dune novels.
#65: Shonn Greene, New York Jets running back
What’s wrong with plain old Sean?
#76: DeAndre Levy, Detroit Lions outside linebacker
Affixing “De” to the start of perfectly good names is now accepted practice for NFL players, but prefixing Andre this way is surely taking the pee one double ess.
#79: Kraig Urbik, Pittsburgh Steelers guard
I guess Kraig will have to be kareful to kooperate with his kohorts to kombat the kompetition.
#85: Ramses Barden, New York Giants wide receiver
This guy sounds like a player from Blood Bowl, the board game where you can command armies of skeletons and mummies on NFL pitches. Let us hope for the Giants’ sake that he runs faster than the undead.
#88: Lardarius Webb, Baltimore Ravens cornerback
It’s just a shame he’s not a lineman so he was actually a lard-ass. Seeing as he runs up and down the sidelines all day, though, it’s not hard to guess what nasty fans will call him.
#92: Jerraud Powers, Indianapolis Colts cornerback
Oh man, this kid lucked out. He had such an awesome surname, his dad could have called him Max or Rock or Awesome. But no, he’s stuck with a variation on Gerard, one of the most effeminate boy’s names. Tough break.
#126: Slade Norris, Oakland Raiders, outside linebacker
Woo, he’s like a cross between a comic book hero and a karate champion! Oh wait, he plays for the Raiders, he must suck.
#190: Al Afalava, Chicago Bears safety
The name just rolls off the tongue. It also makes me hungry for Turkish food.
#199: Stryker Sulak, Oakland Raiders defensive end
This guy sounds like he’s stepped straight out of a Star Trek episode. Quark, Garak and Sulak.
#216: Captain Munnerlyn, Carolina Panthers cornerback
This guy had better show some leadership qualities to live up to that name.
#240: LaRod Stephens-Howling, Arizona Cardinals running back
I think this was the title of a Stephen King novel.
#256: Ryan Succop, Kansas City Chiefs kicker
Given he was the last player picked, he’d better do what his name says and suck up to the coaches to keep his spot.
