Why Twitter Is the Only Thing in the World That Can Save the World from the Top 10 Causes of Destroyed Worlds

This post is a guest post by Brian Carter, search marketer and social media comedian with Fuel Interactive.

Not everybody knows about Twitter, and not everyone who knows about Twitter “gets it.” Even fewer people who “get it” realize Twitter is saving the world. But it’s obvious – and I’m going to tell you why.

#1 The biggest danger to the world right now is terrorism.

Just ask George Bush, or any famous writer of spy novels. Contrary to popular opinion, the origin of terrorism is not poverty or Islam or even Britney Spears- no, the primary cause of world terror is lack of socially enabled instant messaging. And that’s what Twitter is.

You might say, “but Brian, that’s a circular argument!” And you’d be right. But let me tell you why it’s the lack of socially enabled instant messaging that causes international terror, multi-generational wars and recurring canker sores.

First, the main reason people fight is lack of understanding. For example, as a kid I often fought with my sister because she didn’t understand that I should always get my way. But now we have Twitter, and if she would get onto Twitter, I could direct message her that “it’s all about me and I should always get my way,” and naturally, she would argue, but at least we’d be fighting with WORDS on Twitter instead of with AK-47’s in a middle eastern street full of blood as we usually do. So you can already see that Twitter has reduced intrafamily bloodshed. It’s that powerful.

Second, the number one cause of multi-generational wars is boredom. If these people had more going on in life, they wouldn’t remember why their dad hated your dad’s guts. All we need to do is overwhelm terrorist countries with more TV, iPhones, and Twitter accounts, and their kids will be so distracted they’ll say, “No Dad, I don’t have time to sit around the oil-drum fire and listen to stories about how Uncle Braziere was killed by the Israelis so we should kill all the Jews… I’m too busy tweeting Mustafa about today’s Seinfeld rerun.” So you can also see how Twitter fights anti-Semitism via syndicated sitcoms.

Third… well, actually, Twitter can’t do anything at all for canker sores. No one really knows how to get rid of them. You just have to buy some of that numbing liquid gel, avoid spicy foods and wait it out. But you couldtweet about your canker sore and make friends with other canker sore sufferers, and that would reduce your suffering. Yay, Twitter!

#2 The second biggest danger to the world right now is selfishness.

Religions and prophets and pop music icons have fought selfishness for years. John Lennon was opposed to it even though he was a dysfunctional druggie and really bad Dad. Madonna’s probably against it because she’s into Eastern religions (or was last week) and most of them are really against selfishness. Buddhists are against it and everyone knows Buddhism is really cool, because there’s no god or anything, you just sit around and light incense and say cool chants. Even Jesus didn’t like selfishness. Pretty much the only people that embrace selfishness are jerks, Capitalists, and Ayn Rand fans.

Selfishness is a big problem, because when people act in their own self interest, they tend to go to work, keep working, and buy stuff. And that means other people have to go to work to make stuff for people that buy that stuff, and those working/making-stuff people don’t have as much time to goof off and enjoy the stuff that they buy. This is the major flaw in Capitalism. You’d think that would produce at least a few selfless people, but it turns out that most people have always had selves and the only person who ever figured out how to get rid of themself is Buddha but nobody understands how he did it. So that’s a complete philosophical tarbaby, in the Brer Rabbit sense. And suicide doesn’t count because that’s supposedly really selfish, too.

Anyway, we know that Twitter makes you socialize and that talking to other people is less selfish than sitting around thinking about yourself. Even sitting around tweeting about yourself is less selfish than thinking about yourself. And @replying to people means you’re at least listening to others, thinking about what you think about what they tweeted, so that’s a little bit less selfish yet again. And in the meantime, you probably got so into Twitter that you forgot to kick your dog and yell at your spouse or even continue that weird serial prostitute-killing spree you were on, so look! Once again Twitter has increased the good in the world!

(That was weird one. I promise I’ll be less selfish in the next topic)

#3 Everybody knows that the third biggest danger in the world today is sequels to movies nobody liked in the first place.

Even more dangerous are entire trilogies people wouldn’t mind missing for more time to cut their toenails or go to the DMV (e.g. Final Destination, Fast & Furious, and The Mighty Ducks).

Twitter can fix that with one of its coolest features: the ability to tell everyone else in the world that you think something sucks. Not only do literally dozens of people read your suck-report instantly, but also that tweet lives on forever because it’s indexed by Google and can also be found on search.twitter.com.

Right now, billions of people are telling the Twitterverse how much they hate United Airlines, American Airlines, America’s United American Airlines Express Airline, and codeine cough syrups… People also hate Bronco games on the weekends, getting sales pitches from their bank tellers, and… wait for it… work. They even hate work, because they have to go make stuff for selfish people who buy stuff.

There are people tweeting right now about how baffled they are that Hollywood made a sequel to a bunch of movies. For example, they say it was stupid to make sequels to the Legally Blonde, Lost Boys, War Games, and Hairspray… the list goes on.

As we have all become painfully aware, the main thing that turns home-grown Americans into seething, dastardly terrorists (and one of the common causes of Satanism) is unwanted sequels.

The answer, then, is for Hollywood to listen to Twitter. Very closely. Our very future very much depends on it.

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Now, I could go on… I could explain how Twitter will save the world from the other top 10 causes of world-destruction, including #5: Celebrity Mating, #6: Movies Starring Talking Animals, and #8: Molly Ringwald… but that would be tedious. You have already seen the incredible power of Twitter.

Plus, the number nine biggest cause of world destruction is top ten lists, and I’m trying to quit.