Glenn Beck’s Scary New Christmas Story Features Santa Claus As Jesus Christ’s Warrior Protector

Glenn Beck has found a wacky way to put “Christ” back in “Christmas” — the former Fox News host is turning kids’ favorite jolly old elf into Jesus’ boar-killing bodyguard.

Glenn Beck recently made headlines by claiming that he suffered from a mysterious brain ailment that was miraculously cured by a “chiropractic neurologist,” and talking about his eyebrow-raising illness has paid off in a big way — news outlets are starting to take notice of the numerous movie and book productions that Beck has in the pipeline.

Salon describes Glenn Beck’s American Dream Labs production company as a “book and movie empire.” Instead of scribbling on his Fox News chalkboard, these days Glenn Beck is dreaming up ideas for faith-based films and books. One of his latest passion projects is The Immortal, a story that “turns Santa Claus into the warrior protector of a young Jesus Christ.” Beck is planning on releasing The Immortal book next year, and it will be followed by a movie in 2016.

On his website, Glenn Beck revealed that he got the idea for The Immortal after listening to his kids excitedly talking about what Santa was going to leave underneath their Christmas tree.

“It started two years ago when my kids were getting ready for Christmas, and all they could talk about was presents, toys, and Santa and elves. And I kept trying to come up with some way to work Christ into it. You know, can we stop with the, you know, fat magic fairy that gives you everything you want for Christmas? Let’s actually talk about what it is.”

Instead of getting rid of the “fat magic fairy,” Glenn Beck simply stripped away his jolly side and his cozy North Pole workshop.

“My Santa, the Immortal is a very different guy. He starts out right before the birth of Christ, and he is up in the mountains. And he is a warrior. He has lost his wife, and he’s a sad individual. And he’s got a son who loves dearly, and he lives up in the mountains, and he hunts for food.”

Luckily, Glenn Beck was kind enough not to make his killer Claus’ prey of choice Rudolph’s relatives (this is a kids’ story, after all). Instead, his Santa hunts wild boar by making “these giant puppets that he actually gets inside.” Unfortunately, clever Claus makes a mistake by leaving his son alone during one of his hunts, and the boy gets ripped apart and devoured by wolves (remember that this is a kids’ story).

Santa deals with his grief by wandering through the wilderness, and he eventually finds work with three wise men “because he can negotiate.” He’s put in charge of protecting their gold, frankincense, and myrrh, “and then through a series of events is left there to protect the Christ child, never interacting, just watching.”

Santa follows Jesus around for his entire life, and something magical happens after the Sermon on the Mount — Santa becomes immortal. A thousand years later, he meets Saint Nicholas. The end.

On Beck’s website, The Immortal is described as “the greatest story Glenn has ever conceived with mind-blowing production value.” You can check out a trailer for the movie/book below.

This isn’t the first time Glenn Beck has taken on Christmas. Gawker described his 2009 stage show The Christmas Sweater (based on his book of the same name) as the “confession of a damaged depressive masquerading as a heart-warming hacky Xmas tale.” And while Beck might not be the biggest fan of the Coca Cola version of Santa Claus who wears the festive red suit, he did dress up like him for a 2010 stage show in Wilmington, Ohio. Instead of turning into an immortal warrior, Santa stripped down and became Glenn Beck.

What do you think of Glenn Beck’s The Immortal? Will it be a big hit or a major bust?

[Image via Glenn Beck]