Category: Odd + Funny Author : Duncan Riley Posted: January 11, 2009
Tags : america, avon calling left poo, florida, mark kay saleswoman poos on porch, police investigae poo on proch, poo with toilet paper found on porch, WTF
Shit happened in Fort Pierce Flordia this week when a woman was left on her porch a “special delivery” by a Mary Kay Saleswoman. The police report issued describes an “overwhelming” stench associated with human excrement.
The victim who filed a police report, told police she heard her doorbell ring, and she saw a red Jeep Cherokee blocking the driveway. As she didn’t recognize the vehicle she didn’t answer the door.
A friend stopped by shortly afterward and told her of the shocking discovery, a “human bowel movement” sat on the porch, describing the odor as “repugnant.” Toilet paper also was on the porch “where the suspect attempted to clean themselves.” You couldn’t make this crap up, could you?
A neighbor told police a heavy-set woman drove off in the red Jeep and that she was selling Mary Kay products. The victim told investigators the smell was “overwhelming and she had to clean it as soon as possible.” Whether she cleaned it up using Avon products cannot be confirmed.
The poopitrater remains at large and police currently have no suspects. Police collected no evidence at the scene, obviously they had no tupperware available.
Beware, when Mary Kay people come knocking, they may have a special package for you. If they offer to sell you eau de toilette, be afraid.
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Jan 21, 2009
Extract from Blog of a Mary Kay Sales Person
7am – Wake up with a hang-over from the 15 pints of Guinness I drank last night and eat the remains of my fried chicken dinner which I’d taken to bed with me.
7.15am – Cook breakfast of eggs, spinach and hamburger followed by 2 bowls of industrial strength Oat Bran porridge topped with 15 prunes and washed down with another pint of Guinness
7.30am – Get dressed in my sweatpants and velour hoodie whilst chowing down on a boiled cabbage and garlic sausage sandwich
8am – Load up the Jeep with my Mary Kay samples, toilet paper and stool softener
8.30am – Drive to 700 block of Beach Court to start knocking on doors when suddenly it feels like an atom bomb has gone off in my lower intestines, the Barbarian’s are at the gate & I need to punish some porcelain and quick!
8:45am – Pull the Jeep up on the nearest drive and, doubled over in colonic-agony, ring the door-bell and hope someone is home so I can use their facilities to cook a butt burrito
8:50am – After several presses of the doorbell I see someone peeping out of the curtains at me – the selfish citizen won’t answer the door to let me grow a tail in their bathroom! By this time I’m 5cm dilated and need to park a load desperately.
8:51am I decide to get my own back and retreat to the Jeep (with the turtles head snapping in my panties) to grab my toilet roll and, after a quick look around to make sure no one’s watching, I settle down right outside the front door to saw off a log next to the “welcome” mat!
8:55am – After a good final push I clip the end off it and perform a small “naming ceremony” for my dirty birth before removing any butt-mud with several sheets of bum-paper, pulling up my pants and jumping back into the Jeep
9am – Feeling colonically irrigated and somewhat self-satisfied I drive to another town to sell my wares