Rolex’s public relations people have outdone themselves covering in glory both their brand and their profession by issuing a press release with a US jeweler taking the credit for Owen Wilson’s recovery post his suicide attempt.

Does it get any more disgusting than this?

Here is the release in full for you to appreciate it:

SEATTLE, WA – Rolex: Melrose Jewelers reports that, after a frightening suicide attempt in 2007, Rolex watches appeared to play an essential role in actor Owen Wilson’s recovery. On August 29, 2007, Time magazine reported: “speculation about his drug use, depression over his May break-up from Hudson and a recent fight with a friend have peppered the coverage of Wilson’s hospitalization.” A People magazine cover story out Friday quotes a friend as saying: “Owen was very despondent. He slit his wrists. He almost did not make it.” It was a dark period in Wilson life, and Rolex watches played a key role in helping Owen regain his bearings and his success.

It’s a bold claim, so how do they attempt to prove it?

Although Owen Wilson has worn a Rolex GMT Master in the popular films “Wedding Crashers” and “The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou,” he chooses to wear a Rolex Submariner in his everyday life. It is not surprising that he would make such a choice. The Rolex Oyster Perpetual Submariner originally was designed for diving and known for their resistance to water. The first Rolex Submariner was introduced to the public in 1954 at the Swiss Watch Fair. Copied by other watchmakers, the Rolex Submariner is recognized as a classic, and one of the most widely recognized luxury products in the world. The Rolex Submariner is part of Rolex’s Oyster Perpetual Professional line. After returning home from the hospital, Owen was captured by a photographer walking on the beach, wearing his Rolex Submariner. Later, he was seen riding his mountain bike in Santa Monica with the Rolex Submariner on his wrist. Obviously, the quality of a Rolex watch helped Owen realize and appreciate the quality of his own life.

That’s right the quality of a Rolex helped Owen realize the quality of his own life. I’d call for a boycott, but none of us can afford a Rolex anyway, so instead I am advocating the next best thing. Everyone must go out and purchase a fake Rolex. Stat. That’s how we stop the terrorists people.

You thought that was it didn’t you… well there is more.

A celebrity is expected to show up at a multitude of events, and Owen used the Rolex Mentor and Protégé Arts Initiative Benefit in New York City to make his entrance back on the social scene after his crisis. As Liz Smith wrote in The New York Post on November 11, 2007: “THE APPEALING Owen Wilson is easing his way back into public life after hospitalization and a rumored suicide attempt. He appeared — looking good — at the Rolex Mentor and Protégé Arts Initiative gala in Lincoln Center this week.” In contrast, the National Post of Canada was not so kind when they wrote: “And who was that I saw swooping in, last-minute, into a swirl… Well, that was the bad-day-having-of-late clown Owen Wilson, who just that week was also staring out from People magazine with a cover that read: ‘Picking up the Pieces.’”

Whatever the hawks of the media choose to write, it is clear that Rolex played a major role in Owen Wilson’s recovery. Back in good form, the actor is nothing less than a comic genius in a time when comedy is a necessity. Wearing a Rolex Submariner and attending Rolex Benefits helped Owen Wilson realize his life was valuable and worth living. Once again, the precision and quality of a Rolex proves to be a lifesaver in more ways than one.

So next time you are feeling a bit depressed, you must get a Rolex mmkay? It will help you realize life is worth living. I think we should immediately stop supporting valuable charities like Lifeline and instead open just give Rolex gift vouchers.

Disgusting. If like me you feel sufficiently motivated you can leave a comment here

Hopefully Leslie Goddard, Marketing Manager at Rolex has a vanity google search and she will read this and appreciate that her PR team have done a shite job.