Gwyneth Paltrow Rings In 2009 with Extreme Dieting

Gwyneth Paltrow’s most recent issue of her ridiculous GOOP newsletter told us all about her post-holiday weight loss plans, which are just as practical as her initial recommendations in September: “Read something beautiful” and “Don’t be lazy.”

Instead of her usual diet of choice, the Master Cleanse, she’s recommended something almost as painful from her “detox diet specialist”:

“As I do not wish to subsist on lemon water in the middle of winter, I asked my doctor, a detox diet specialist, for the guidelines he uses to achieve a good detox that is not as hallucinogenic (in a bad way) as the Master Cleanse,” she wrote. “What it came down to was this: you can detox easily and effectively while you continue to eat as long as you are cutting out the foods and other substances that interfere with the detoxification process.”

If you’re going to pull this one off, you can forget about most of what’s offered at the office canteen. I’m pretty sure a diet that cuts out anything processed (including soy), dairy, grains with gluten, shellfish, meat, nightshades (tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, and eggplants), sugar, alcohol, caffeine, and condiments will wear on you by about the third or fourth day, but you do get salads, smoothies, chicken, soups, and “lots of water,” reports People. Goodie! You can check out the scheduled seven-day plan here.

Interestingly, Gwyneth told Oprah in 2008 that she “just can’t [diet],” instead preferring to “eat what I want and not think about it.” I wonder how much weight she thinks she gained if she’s trading in the treadmill for a cleanse of almost-Master proportions?