Zayn Malik Farting

Is Zayn Malik In Real Danger Of Being Kidnapped In Colombia?

Poor Zayn Malik. It appears being in a world-conquering boy-band is not as much fun as it used to be. Apparently, Zayn and the rest of One Direction face a very real threat of being kidnapped by a gun-toting, cocaine crazed, and ruthless cartel during their tour of Colombia.

To be fair, Colombia was once renowned as the kidnap capital of the world, but just how real is the threat that Zayn Malik, Liam Payne, Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan, and Harry Styles face in South America? And should One Directioners be concerned that their plucky songbirds may end up as caged budgies if Malik and his bandmate’s security firm are not up to scratch?

Well, yes and no. As an erudite young gentleman such as Zayn Malik would obviously appreciate, Colombia is a county torn by civil war and bled dry by the turf wars between various drug gangs.

As keen observers of world affairs, Zayn and everyone else in One Direction have obviously been briefed that each year left-wing rebel groups take hundreds of people hostage.

Geographically speaking, Zayn Malik would also no doubt be aware that the rain-forests of Colombia are often referred to as the world’s last great unexplored wilderness. It’s jungles, mountains, swamps and maze of mosquito-infested rivers would provide many a secret place to hide a boy-band member such as Zayn Malik, with plenty of space left over for Liam Payne, Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan, and Harry Styles, too.

Yet here’s the crunch. Zayn Malik and the rest of One Direction are what the men in music industry describe as extremely valuable assets, or to put it more crudely, Zayn and the chaps are top dollar booty.

If you think for a minute that Zayn and the boys won’t be protected like the most royal of royals ahead, during, and following their concert in Bogota on Friday night, then put your chump hat on right now and move to the back of the class.

Last year there were 219 kidnappings in the area Malik and the lads are due to play in, and the powers that be are leaving nothing to chance when it comes to the safety of Zayn and the gang.

Sources have revealed that there will be over 100 security guards watching Zayn Malik and the rest of One Direction closer than a psychotic fan buzzing on meth-amphetamine.

In fact they’re calling the security precautions surrounding Zayn Malik and the rest of One Direction, a ‘ring of steel’. And if sources indicate there’s going to be around 100 security guards watching Zayn and his band-mates, it’s safe to double that number and stick a cherry called ‘specialist security experienced in armed combat’ on top.

Yet it remains to be seen if even a former Navy Seal or the most highly-trained SAS veteran will be enough to protect Zayn Malik from a horde of One Directioners in full flight.