[Awesome] Comedian Eugene Mirman Slams Time Warner Cable in Open Letter

Firstly, I should admit a strange, creeping attraction to Eugene Mirman. He’s not Jack White, but there is something adorably awkward about him and I bet he would be an awesome first date.

Now that I have that out of the way, how much do you relate to this open letter he published as an ad in New York Press? Cable and internet are services in which the company loves to bone you all the time, jack up prices, demand you stay home from work to even get service in the first place, and then totally not give you any concessions when their sucky service decides to cut out right when you have to post posts on the Inquisitr.

And then you’re all, “this is an Outrage! I am going to take my business elsewhere to… oh, no one else provides service in my area. Burn.” So it’s bend over or keep paying $150 a month for the Optimum Triple Play because there’s no other IP in your area. Yeah, its like that.

Mirman channels everyone’s monopoly hate into one scathing letter, pasted below. Hilarity bolded by me.

Dear Time Warner Cable,

On April 23rd I moved and had an appointment with Time Warner Cable to come and install cable, Internet and phone service and no one showed up. When I called, I was told my appointment was entered wrong and moved to May 4th, without anyone calling me. No big deal, why would a company check with someone to see if they are home on a Wednesday afternoon? Of course they are. Everyone is. Name one person who isn’t home on a Wednesday afternoon? You can’t. It’s impossible, because everyone is home. It would be a waste of recourses to call and talk to him. Did Stalin ever call people before he arrested them and sent them to die in Siberian work camps? No! Why should Time Warner Cable have a policy that is any different from Stalin’s?

Did you know that on Yelp, Time Warner Cable has one and a half stars? That’s less stars than Jeffery Dahmer — who killed and ate people, maybe even had sex with their skulls (I don’t really know). Obviously what I’m saying is untrue, because Yelp does not review serial killers, but if they did, hisbabaganoush would be better than yours, if you both made babaganoush, even if his drugged and murdered people. Sorry that got weird. F**k you. I just made you read that confusing thing.

To give you an idea of how much I dislike your company, I have come up with plagues I hope God smites your board of directors with. I know He’ll only do this if you enslave the Jews, but considering you might have a monopoly in NYC, you sort of already have:

1. Awkward. Every board member’s cell phone ring loudly announces their weight and also the day they’ll die.

2. Bathroom. The constant feeling that you have to go number two, but completely forgetting how.

3. Improv. Your first-born will want to be a short form improviser.

4. Popcorn. Your second born will smell like hot buttered popcorn. It’s not that bad at first, but eventually I bet it will be maddening.

Sincerely,

Eugene Mirman and probably every one of your customers.

P.S. On May 4th I called you and got an automated message saying my appointment was moved to May 10th, but spoke to two representatives who assured me it was still on May 4th. Twenty minutes later, I got a call saying the technician called and couldn’t reach me and my new appointment would be on May 12th. An hour later I got a call apologizing and saying my appointment was moved to May 6th. Why does your company act like a controlling, abusive husband on an episode of Law and Order?

P.P.S. On May 6th a very nice, professional man came, rang my doorbell and installed everything. I would feel remiss to not mention that a handful of other employees were also very helpful. However, overall your company is run like an ill managed Soviet factory. I bet if Ayn Rand was still alive, she’d write a fun to read, but poorly argued book about how appalling and inefficient your company is. Please cut it out. Thank you.