Confiscated Pet Raccoon Convinces Tennessee Man To Run For Governor

Mark “Coonrippy” Brown is running for governor of Tennessee because state officials won’t give back his beloved pet raccoon Rebekah.

“This is all about the raccoon,” admitted Brown.

The state Wildlife Resources Agency went to Brown’s home and seized Rebekah in July, and even petitioning the governor hasn’t worked to regain custody of the animal. The next step is apparently for Brown to run for governor himself so he can pardon the animal and spring her from raccoon jail. “Brown said his letter to TWRA officials seeking a permit went unanswered and a petition to Haslam with over 60,000 signatures was returned unopened.”

Brown claims he was targeted by state authorities because videos of himself with another pet raccoon named Gunshow (now deceased) went viral on the internet. Brown plans to compete in the August 7 Republican primary against incumbent Bill Haslam.

Of Haslam’s response, or lack thereof, Brown claimed that “He can free prisoners, he can pardon people, but he refused the online petition and refused to accept the letter. All eyes were on Tennessee and it made us look bad. It made it look like we were under Caesar’s law.”

The gubernatorial candidacy of Mark “Cornrippy” Brown to free Rebekah has already received the endorsement of The Daily Caller: “If you think Brown’s cause is absurd, take a moment to think of the reasons why most people must get into politics: egomania, a warped sense of entitlement, a desire to cheat on one’s spouse, etc. Brown just wants his adorable friend back, which makes him the noblest figure in American political life since the heyday of Adlai Stevenson.”

Brown said of his raccoon-prompted candidacy, “We’ve got to take this country back one state at a time. We live in the United States of the Offended — not the United States of America.”